America's Quarterback Nick Mullens Faces The Giants Tonight On Monday Night Football!

Clem11/12/2018 9:50 PM

*Click play to listen while reading to make this blog about a 1-7 team playing a 2-7 team exactly 20% less depressing*

Look everybody. I am sick of the Giants playing prime time games, you are sick of the Giants playing prime time games, and that son of a bitch Goodell is DEFINITELY sick of the Giants playing prime time games. But the GMen can only play when they are scheduled to play and I can only write preview blogs for those games. Is it a sick joke that the schedule makers put three of our last four games in prime time just as the season collapsed so every other fanbase could pick apart every single player on the team, with the brunt of it going directly at our two-time Super Bowl MVP quarterback? Of course. I would trade a late round pick in next year’s draft to be able to have this game been played yesterday at 4 PM and get lost in the shuffle. But I have to write this blog and watch shitty football for three hours tonight on the off chance that Saquon jumps over four defenders or Odell catches a touchdown with his feet.

However, instead of a preview blog about a team that will put up a bunch of yards with some of the most gifted athletes in the NFL that will somehow result in not nearly enough points while Kyle Shanahan’s voodoo offensive magic creates holes big enough for my fat ass to run through on the way to leading the Niners to a win, lets remember Nick Mullens’ wonderful night against the Raiders last week.

Like when he got verified during the game

Dropped a ridiculous dime to George Kittle

Cried after becoming America’s darling on Thursday Night Football

And how about the postgame speech in the locker room

What a magical night that was. I imagine the only thing that will be able to top that is a Monday Night Football performance against a dead Giants team traveling across country. Did I mention that Mullens wears the same number and went to the same college as Brett Favre? That’s right, Number 4 in your program Nick Mullens is atop the record books at Southern Miss, the very same college as the ol’ gunslinger, Monday Night Football legend, and longtime favorite of The Worldwide Leader. I can’t wait to see how many times Robowitten, Booger, and whoever the 3rd guy in the booth is that I can’t remember 9 weeks into the season hammer us over the head with that fun fact!

While this all may sound like sarcasm, I am genuinely happy that someone as beloved by America as Nick Mullens is playing tonight to take the attention off the unwatchable football the Giants play week in and week out. Lets move on to the Things To Watch segment of the blog.

Things To Watch:

1. Will we get another License Plate Guy vs. Boogermobile rematch, even thought ESPN caved like a bitch and took the TVs off the back of it?

God I hope so.

2. How many times will Matt Breida get injured, re-enter the game, then get re-injured, then re-enter the game?

Every Matt Breida fantasy owner that has received 5 messages like this every week is sadly nodding their head right now. Then again, getting the nickname Wolverine because your body somehow recovers super quickly is pretty sweet I guess.

3. Matt Dayes

I don’t know the first thing about Matt Dayes. But everything I know about Matt Breida says he will indeed get hurt and everything I know about Kyle Shanahan’s offense says that a backup running back will put up NUMBERS once said running back gets hurt.

4. Tyvis Powell’s blogging career when his NFL career is over

You can’t teach that kind of comedia timing, self-loathing, and self-awareness.

5. Will the Giants offensive line continue to be a fucking embarrassment now that both starters from the right side of the line to start the season are gone?

Say what you want to say about David Gettleman, but he admits when he made a mistake with a player. Now if he can just stop making mistakes, the Giants may be back in business sooner rather than later. But until then, I am going to convince myself that Jamon Brown is part of the solution simply because he played on a good offense last year and his name sounds like a good offensive lineman.

6. ESPN Graphics

Not really much to add other than I fucking love the completely ridiculous graphics that Bristol pumps out every week on Monday Night Football and can’t wait to see how they incorporate Eli’s corpse and the straight up negligent offensive line the Giants currently have into their graphic. It’s like Christmas Eve right now in the Casa de Clem and it has absolutely nothing to do with what my favorite football team does on the field tonight.

7. Saquon and Odell