Sometimes you despise people you don’t know. These are those people. I’m sure they’re good folk and even better parents, but honestly there is no level of hell deep enough for the two of them. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. You and your kid ain’t special. Glorifying pregnancies or your children in general ranks up there with bragging about your workout routine, taking pics of your meals or blogging about Justin Bieber’s every move. Nobody gives a literal rat’s ass. The only person more annoying than the parents is the useless soul they got to film them singing and dancing in the baby aisles at Target. Sure that person has a lot to live for.
“You’re shocked, so are your friends, so are our friends, so are we!” No shit on that one. There’s a better chance of Blake Lively walking into my shanty right now and ordering a round of Bacluzzi’s than this guy actually being the father of these children. Book it. Either his balls have been tugged off and kept in her jewelry box since they met or the closet he’s been residing in since adolescence is running out of space for his showtunes outfits. No other options.
PS – Not gonna lie, this got me a little. Everything else, awful. Diaper rain? Kind of fresh.