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16) The 50 States Ignorantly Ranked (Roasted)

Alright, so I’m just gonna freestyle these rankings based on my limited knowledge and preconceived notions. Feel free to complain or bicker about the numerical placement of specific states, but I’m telling you up front that the actual number rankings are arbitrary. If you get offended by what I say about your state, then you’re only contributing to the reasons why it sucks. If you get confused by what I say about your state, that’s because I didn’t know anything about it and just made something up. Now that I’m 100% positive there will be no gripes or misunderstandings, let’s begin.

50. New Jersey

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Statistically, New Jersey has the most people per capita who would threaten to fight someone for making fun of their state in a meaningless blog post. So for that reason, along with an infinite amount of other reasons, they take home the 50th spot. New Jersey has no decent colleges, so its top scholars flock to out-of-state universities to infect blacked out freshmen with their exotic skin viruses for 1-12 semesters before ultimately failing out and proudly returning home. In all honesty, I was born in New Jersey and currently live there, so I have some love for it.  It’s definitely not the worst state by any means, but I really want some burnt douche who only knows how to read numbers and pictures to send me a misspelled death threat or something. Go fuck a bagel and choke on a pork roll.

Pros: Top 50 in the country is insanely good from the perspective of a Rutgers fan

Cons: The personalities, attitudes, mannerisms, voices, faces, outfits, traffic, driving patterns (1/479)

T49. North Dakota and South Dakota

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I’ll be honest, I STILL don’t know what the fuck is going on in either of these states, give or take a few presidential head formations. They’re pretty much a package deal of irrelevance, so I ranked them accordingly. It’s almost like there was a BOGO sale on Absolutely Nothing and America was like, “fuck it, a deal’s a deal.” We could trade them both to Canada for a truckload of lumber and a couple barrels of maple syrup, and not a single soul outside of the Dakotas would even realize. South Saskatchewan ass states.

Pros: I don’t know

Cons: I don’t know

47. Mississippi

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Mississippi gets a lot of shit for a state that’s actually a decent place to live in squalor and raise a mosquito. I threw them a bone with this generous ranking and then they ate it, because they’re so fat and gross. Sadly, “fat and gross” is probably the nicest way to describe what’s going on down there. Mississippi is an expired smorgasbord of extreme poverty, wretched living conditions, unrelenting obesity, debilitating humidity, widespread illiteracy, and deep-seated racism (they didn’t officially abolish slavery until 2013). Hey Mississippi, be WAY less of a third-world country and WAY more of a 21st century U.S. state.

Pros: I think a small slither of Mississippi borders the ocean so that might be cool. Probably not, though.

Cons: I don’t want this blog to be 3,000 words longer than it already is.

46. Idaho

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Every once in a while, I remember that Idaho is a real place where at least some people willingly live and the concept of that alone twists my brain like an elite contortionist. Idaho’s most “famous” noun (person, place, or thing) is *checks their Wikipedia page* a fucking potato. The state has so little to offer that they have to relentlessly market a dirty vegetable that can easily be obtained in abundance from any supermarket in America.

Pros: Watching a slightly above average football team play on blue turf; it was the setting of the cinematic masterpiece, Napoleon Dynamite

Cons: The setting of the cinematic masterpiece, Napoleon Dynamite looked like an absolutely miserable place to live

45. Michigan

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Last time I ranked the states, I graciously tossed Michigan in the top 30. I thought that was more than fair considering the fact that it’s fucking Michigan, but I still had German Shepherd avis and Large Mouth Bass profile pics complaining in my DMs and mentions like I “slighted” them somehow. Detroit is your “booming” metropolis, Flint’s water is blacker than Big Sean, and the “naturally beautiful” portions of your state are predominantly frozen and virtually uninhabitable. Your top colleges are either losing big games or losing big rape cases. And if the molestation of human beings wasn’t bad enough, your “top-tier” staff members are also sodomizing basset hounds.

Pros: The Upper Peninsula (essentially Wisconsin)

Cons: The climate, economy, morals, cleanliness, etc.

44. Florida

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Speaking of contaminated fluids, Florida is the STD-infected semen sample of a state that’s dripping off the tip of America. It’s a coastal clusterfuck of tourists overheating, retired old people going senile, SoundCloud rappers spawning out of laboratories and getting pre-programmed to sexually assault underaged girls, Instagram models (d)evolving into full-body medical experiments, psychopaths committing preposterous felonies, and DJ Khaled. What in the subtropical fuck, Florida? You guys are like if a sketch group made a parody of another sketch group’s parody of what it’s like to live in the most unappealing place in the world. This might sound bad, but my sincere and cautionary advice is to kill yourself now before someone (or something) else does in a much less humane manner.

Pros: Strip clubs, the luxury rental car industry, the plastic surgery industry, the funeral industry

Cons: This section is starting to get rhetorical

T43. Kansas and Nebraska

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Serious question: is there even a discernible difference between these two states? Is there gonna be a corn boy from West Topeka or some shit who reads this and starts fuming at his Galaxy Note 1, because I compared his home state to Nebraska? Or vice versa? Regardless, I don’t care, just like the rest of the country collectively doesn’t care about either of you. Try investing in some elevation, you flat idiots.

Pros: The World’s Largest Ball of Twine (this is still the most interesting thing I could find)

Cons: Devastating natural disasters, zero employment opportunities, mind-numbing boredom

41. West Virginia

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Full disclosure, I grew up in West Virginia, so I might be am biased in thinking that it’s better than multiple states. After years of catching jokes from out-of-state friends and foes, I can firmly attest that our nation needs to get better at making fun of West Virginia. Roasting us for inbreeding and having a teeth deficiency is like roasting Jerry Sandusky for having Scoliosis and a bad hairline. We have far worse problems. “Almost Heaven” is a fitting slogan because everything in the state is literally and figuratively on the verge of dying. We have some redeeming qualities, but they’re overshadowed by crippling issues that are rapidly destroying the state. Honestly it’s just sad, so I’m asking everyone to take a moment of silence and pray for West Virginia’s future.

Pros: Randy Moss, Morgantown, Country Roads by John Denver (even though I’m pretty sure the Blue Ridge Mountains and Shenandoah River aren’t even in West Virginia)

Cons: I’m not giving away free material

40. Alabama

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Imagine successfully reproducing with your most attractive cousin (easy now, Alabama) and getting to witness your misshapen baby boy say “r-r-r-roll tide” for the first time together. That’s the Alabama Dream. Just kidding, Alabama. I know first-hand that incest jokes are annoying, insensitive, and overplayed. You guys aren’t THAT bad in my book (my book is Mein Kampf).

Pros: Watching Alabama’s football team win a national championship while refusing to acknowledge their best players aren’t white

Cons: ensual sex amongst family members

39. Massachusetts

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I’m only ranking Massachusetts extremely low as a social experiment to see how many sensitive “squids” and statutory rapists with cross tattoos will find a way to incorporate the Patriots/Red Sox/Tom Brady into an oddly aggressive and somehow racist rebuttal about why I’m wrong. I’m also ranking it so low because it’s freezing cold and it sucks. Debate your decrepit, Irish grandmother. Or your roommate at the halfway house. Whichever one you’re living with this week.

Pros: Professional athletic success, prestigious universities, low infant mortality, high literacy rates, capes, vineyards, historical landmarks, aaaand I’m falling asleep

Cons: Anger, hate, drug addiction

38. Wyoming

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Wyoming is sneakily one of the most underrated states in the country. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still comically bad. But with its gigantic size and teeny-weeny population, your chances of having to deal with human interaction in Wyoming are significantly lower than in most states. Tinder in Wyoming is just a “fuck, marry” game between the only 2 people of the opposite (or same) sex within horse riding distance of you. Fun fact: the tallest building in Wyoming is a literal college dorm, which is insane to me, because I had no idea Wyoming even had schools.

Pros: No waiting in long lines at the grocery store or mall

Cons: No grocery stores or malls

37. Arkansas

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Arkansas is one of those states that I think about like once every two years and instantly get somber. I’m not sure why, because I don’t know anything about the state, but its existence just makes me sad. Do people in Arkansas even attempt to have fun on the weekends or do they just involuntarily pull up to the nearest Walmart parking lot like robotic hillbillies stuck on autopilot? Imagine “turning up” in Little Rock and what that entails. What a depressing thought.

Pros: Low cost of living

Cons: Having to pay any amount of money to live in Arkansas

36. Oklahoma

You ever stop and think about how Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook were dominating the NBA in the prime of their lives and making tens of millions of dollars while simultaneously living in fucking Oklahoma? Is it even possible to blow money in Oklahoma? Do Thunder players fuck up checks at Bass Pro Shops out of sheer boredom? Imagine winning the Western finals against the Spurs and having to celebrate by avoiding racism at a local saloon. The average household in Oklahoma (that hasn’t been wiped off the map yet) has more mounted deer heads than IQ points, more guns than books, and more aesthetically-displeasing pregnant teens than clean dishes.

Pros: The potential of a tornado sucking you up and air dropping you in a different state

Cons: Something tells me the whole state smells like decaying roadkill and there’s a lot of weird STDs there

35. Montana

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Do people in Montana even have wifi yet or do all 92 of them still play Solitaire and Minesweeper for fun? Whenever I think of Montana, my mind immediately gallops to the 1800s for some reason. Like, as soon as you cross the Montana state line, your vision changes to the Sepia filter and you’re one wrong move away from Wild Bill Hickok emerging from a cloud of dust while twirling pistols in your face. People from Montana have to send “what’s the move tonight?” texts 24 hours in advance, because everything is 70+ miles away and it takes a whole day of traveling to pull up to a function on a stagecoach. Also, I’m pretty sure John Mayer got so tired of having fun and fucking attractive women that he moved to Montana to eliminate any possibility of either of those things happening.

Pros: One of the major national parks is there. Maybe not, though

Cons: Just a complete lack of modern architecture and technological advancements

34. Iowa

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I have some family members from Iowa, so I was kind of nervous about ranking them so low. Then, I remembered there’s a zero percent chance they’ll get offended by this, because they don’t know how to read or navigate the internet. But their illiteracy aside, they truly are tremendous people and I love them to death. I’d do anything in the world for them, except physically go to Iowa to see them. Can’t bring myself to do that.

Edit: Apparently, Iowa was voted “the best state to live in” by some “prominent” news outlet, based on a “variety of metrics.” I swear to everything that’s holy in Iowa (Dan Gable and ethanol), I don’t care about that or believe that, so please don’t bother bringing it up to me.

Pros: Three more years of Spencer Lee, profiting off corn, blacking out at college sporting events, getting arrested for public intoxication and then getting out of the charge because your uncle who’s also your brother-in-law works for the police department

Cons: When the game, wrestling match, or country concert ends and you have to face the depressing realization that you’re stuck in Iowa

33. New Mexico

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My knowledge of New Mexico is limited to five seasons of Breaking Bad, which is more than enough information to give me a firm grasp on the fact that it’s a giant “nah” from me in the “I wanna go there” department.

Pros: Couldn’t even begin to formulate a guess of something that doesn’t suck about this state (alien museums and hot air balloons?)

Cons: Absence of likable qualities

32. Indiana

Indiana is a diverse wasteland of low-tier cornfields, crime-inducing boredom, and good, old-fashioned Midwestern Depression. The average Indiana household has more meth labs than high school graduates. The peak of Indiana’s career as a state was a semi-fictional high school basketball movie that came out 32 years ago. I’m really trying to think of something positive to say about Indiana, but I just can’t come up with anything. Gary seems like a nice place!

Pros: The Indy 500, Bloomington, Hoosiers (the semi fictional high school basketball movie, not the real-life college team)

Cons: The rural, urban, and suburban areas

31. Kentucky

Hey Kentucky, put down that extra large Burger King cup that’s overflowing with your hepatitis-infected dip spit and give me your undivided attention for a few seconds. I’m BEGGING you to start exercising before your entire population gets wiped out by obesity-related chronic illnesses. Seriously, as much as I don’t want to care about your wellbeing, you guys are morbidly unhealthy and I’m worried you’ll become extinct if you don’t do something about it soon. You can start by cutting out drinks that are high in sugar (why do I feel like people in Kentucky still drink RC Cola?) and making the transition to water.

Pros: Bourbon, Basketball, Fried Chicken, Derby

Cons: I honestly don’t know for sure if Kentucky even has a serious health problem, but I’m trusting my intuition

30. Louisiana

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For the longest time, going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras was on my bucket list. Then, I turned 12 and Katrina rained on that parade. I’d still love to get a chance to go to Louisiana. It’s a charming state that’s rich in culture and poor in every other facet of life. Plus, I think it would be fascinating to observe the barefooted subhumans gallivanting through swamps and speaking incoherent English foreign languages.

Pros: The food

Cons: I think 75% of the state is basically a Mississippi/Arkansas hybrid

29. Nevada

Las Vegas is there, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you what else Nevada has to offer, besides the opportunity to die of a heat stroke in the middle of a seemingly endless desert that’s completely devoid of all life forms. Matter of fact, I just created a new game called the #NevadaChallenge that involves asking someone to name one thing in Nevada that isn’t Las Vegas and giving them the rest of their life to try to answer.

Pros: I forgot about Reno (don’t know if it’s a pro or con), legal prostitution

Cons: Blazing heat, uncanny dryness, paying $55 for a drink in Vegas

28. South Carolina

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South Carolina’s “premier” tourist attraction (Myrtle Beach) is the lukewarm Great Value brand Mountain Dew of vacation destinations. To be honest, I used to love going to Myrtle Beach as a kid. It offers entertainment for the whole family, as well as the unique opportunity to witness public spousal abuse that doubles as sibling abuse. The people asymmetrical rednecks from South Carolina who don’t own an F-150, already sold it so they could afford to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Golden Corral every day.

Pros: The 3 C’s: Charleston, Clemson, Columbia (some/all of these might actually suck ass, I just really wanted to use “The 3 C’s”)

Cons: The 3 H’s: health, humidity, hurricanes (I could do this for every letter)

27. Ohio

 

Ohio, at best, is an extremely undesirable place to live and raise a family. They do have actual cities though, which separates them from the Wyomings and Montanas of the game. Granted, Cleveland is well…Cleveland. Cincinnati’s proudest attraction is a fast food chili restaurant, which is about as sad as you think it is. Toledo and Akron look like the only cities (barely) remaining in a rust-covered dystopian society where people aren’t allowed to make money or express joy. I’ve been hearing whispers that Columbus is on the verge of becoming a respectable U.S. metropolis, but that might just be scuttlebutt.

Pros: Ohio State, Athens, Cedar Point, King’s Island (RIP)

Cons: People who put “THE” in front of “Ohio State” like complete cunts (you guys are a public college with 50,000 students, not a fucking royal family), low quality of life, guaranteed sadness, high lead levels, tetanus

26. Illinois

Fuck Illinois and its silent S. I just crunched some numbers and…yikes! You guys are drowning in a laughable amount of debt and 75% of your politicians are in jail. Have some self-respect. My sophomore year of college, I was lab partners with a girl from Illinois and I had to withdraw from the class because she refused to shut the fuck up about Portillo’s. You know your state sucks steaming hot ass when you have to resort to being overly prideful about its regional chain restaurants.

Pros: Chicago

Cons: Chicago

T25. Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont

The fact that each of these entities are separate states is baffling to me. Just combine them into one ultra-boring state called North Boston or Long Maine. I slid over to New Hampshire’s tourism website and it put me into a deep, child-like slumber.  Your “coolest” attraction is a rock formation that used to slightly resemble the side of a man’s face? Fuck yourself, New Hampshire. Vermont has 4 total high schools and 2 of them are struggling with enrollment numbers, so the government is thinking about consolidating them. As far as I’m concerned, Maine is Canada and that’s just the way she goes.

Pros: The lobster industry, quaint villages, cute little cottages, cold rocky beaches (do people enjoy these?)

Cons: A complete and utter lack of diversity or excitement

T22. Connecticut and Rhode Island

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I feel sorry for the brain cells that I had to sacrifice just to think of something to write about these microscopic, Diet Boston, sperm cell states. Make sure you double up on the Patagonias and try not to total your Jetta on I-95, you cold, preppy, incompetent assholes.

Pros: Ivy League schools, Vineyard Vines Headquarters (maybe not), rich parents who buy you the most expensive lacrosse equipment even though you suck

Cons: Horrid infrastructure, faulty bridges, god-awful drivers

20. New York

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A horrendous stench instantaneously permeated my apartment bedroom at my grandma’s house as soon as I began typing this. I think I Pavolv’d myself into smelling sewage and garbage just by looking at the words “New York” for a split second. Allegedly, there’s a region of the state outside of NYC that goes by “Upstate New York” or something stupid like that. I did a quick Google Street View tour of the area and all I saw was dilapidated buildings, rust, and farmland (and some Confederate flags which is odd considering New York’s location on a map). Oh yeah, you also have Buffalo. That’s like also having a staph infection.

Pros: Lots of places to eat pizza (download the One Bite app) and lots of places to live (check out Leesa mattresses)

Cons: The act of getting to and from places,

19. Pennsylvania

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Hey Pittsburgh, love your city WAY less. Seriously, just relax. Take the same 5 Steelers/Pirates/Penguins shirts that you’ve been rotating since 2006 and incinerate them in a blast furnace. Penn State, get over yourselves. The infatuation you have with your mediocre public university cult is extraordinarily creepy and bizarre. Pitt, stop losing. Philly, take a bath. All of you, stop arguing over which gas station has better shitty food and go get your cholesterol checked. Ketchup is an immensely overrated condiment and Heinz is barely distinguishable from knockoff brands. Stop forcing “yinz” and “jawn” into your vernacular and go study for your GED. Everything in between Pittsburgh and Philly is like if you multiplied mountains, coal, and opiates, and then subtracted fun and happiness.

Pros: Penn State Wrestling

Cons: Western PA, Eastern PA, Central PA

18. Alaska

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I can understand taking a summer vacation to Alaska to gawk at its stunning landscapes and diverse wildlife. What I can’t fathom is being a conscious person with a functioning brain who voluntarily resides in an arctic tundra that’s not meant for sustaining human life. Alaskans just go about their daily routines while actively trying to avoid death. Hey Alaskans, move. Obviously just move.

Pros: That time of year when it’s light out for 24 hours seems like it would be pretty chill

Cons: Pain, suffering, misery

17. Georgia

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I drove through Georgia once (the ideal way to spend time in the state) and the juxtaposition of the billboards praising Jesus and the billboards advertising strip clubs and adult superstores made me feel like I was a Catholic schoolboy having a fever dream. People from Georgia almost love Jesus as much as they love watching porn on VHS and DVD.

Pros: Peaches, rappers, “southern hospitality” or whatever the term is for when old people offer you homemade sweet tea and treat you with respect

Cons: You’re either in the Atlanta area and eternally stuck in traffic or in the Deep South and eternally stuck in the setting of Deliverance

16. Virginia

I’ve been to the wonderful state of Virginia several times in my life. Each trip was a unique experience, but the one thing that remained consistent is that I never even remotely had a good time there. Virginia is a purgatory-on-earth of terrible beaches, terrible cities, terrible DC suburbs, and terrible hill towns.

Pros: Actual location of the Blue Ridge Mountains and Shenandoah River

Cons: Not southern enough to be a desirable vacation destination, but still southern enough to be associated with hillbillies and ignorance

15. Arizona

Arizona is like a weird “utopia” for college kids who don’t have a relationship with their parents, reptiles, and masochists who enjoy being perpetually sweaty and physically miserable. At least, when it’s 125 degrees outside, they can go cool off…nowhere, because they’re in the middle of the fucking desert and the closest beach is 700 miles away.

Pros: 4–5 years of college parties

Cons: A lifetime of gonnorhea and slowly dying in blazing heat

14. Wisconsin

I remember watching Making a Murderer on Netflix a few years ago and thinking to myself, “Wisconsin actually looks like a pretty cool place.” Except obviously kidding, it looked like shit. Thank God for Aaron Rodgers, because he’s singlehandedly preventing the suicide rates from skyrocketing in Wisconsin (well, if you’re a Wisconsin resident, this might be a bad thing).

Pros: Beer and cheese

Cons: You can purchase and consume beer and cheese in places that are significantly more appealing than Wisconsin

13. Utah

I met someone from Utah once (I forget who it was, because people from Utah are the polar opposite of memorable) and he or she looked me in the eyes and said something annoyingly polite like, “You should visit Utah some time, we have some beautiful national parks!” Long story short, I actually ended up going to Utah and if my memory serves me correctly, Zion National Park was indeed, fucking breathtaking. So yeah, make a trip to Utah, but absolutely do not live there under any circumstances, unless you’re genetically predisposed to hating fun.

Pros: Getting buzzed off caffeine-free Diet Coke and dry humping slutty BYU girls

Cons: People from Idaho hopelessly coming to your state in search of fun

12. Minnesota

Minnesota’s claim to fame is that it’s the “Land of 10,000 Lakes.” Hey Minnesota, WAY less lakes would suffice. That’s an absurd and unnecessary amount of lakes. Focus less on having lakes and more on having a climate that’s suitable for aquatic activities, you frigid fools. You guys get a 90 day free trial to enjoy the perks of being outdoors and then you have to start paying the small price of hypothermia and frost bite for the next 9 months of the year.

Pros: Wearing your hockey state championship ring from 5+ years ago to a gigantic mall and trying to pick up high school girls

Cons: Surrounded by *checks map* North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Canada (no wonder you losers are afraid to leave your piece of shit state)

11. Texas

There’s A LOT going on in Texas and I want a grand total of nothing to do with any of it. The most eligible bachelor in the average Texas town is the 16-year-old starting quarterback for the local high school team. Unfortunately for the townspeople, the age of consent in Texas is 17. But I doubt that would stop them from risking it all for a chance with the barely-pubescent hometown hero who led his squad to the district finals. The Texans who aren’t fantasizing about high school football players are too busy fornicating with their firearms, fucking their F-150 in its tailpipe, acquiring Type 2 Diabetes from fast food burgers, or having a cult-like obsession with a college football team.

Pros: I’ve been brushing up on my Texas football lingo, so let me give this a try: Moaning the “War Hymn” while conceiving a “Giglet” with a fellow Aggie Alum in the porta potty at an A&M tailgate in T-Stat. (or something like that).

Cons: The worst tweets in the country (I only know this because you dorks always turn your location on and put your hometown in your bio like being from West Gunfuck, Texas is some kind of badge of honor)

10. Tennessee

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Don’t let the allure of Nashville distract you from the fact that the rest of Tennessee (including most of Nashville itself) is generally pathetic. I mean, I don’t know that for sure, but Memphis is way too close to Mississippi and Arkansas to not be absolutely awful and smell like dead rodents. “The Volunteers” is such a stupid nickname that I almost wish you simple losers had a halfway mediocre football team to root for. The Great Smoky Mountains seems like a cool place to camp out with some friends or die in a fire.

Pros: Jack Daniels, Billy Ray Cyrus, The Great Old Oprah

Cons: My mind is jumping right to “weird STDs” again for some reason

9. Maryland

Take that ugly, cum-stained Maryland flag that’s inevitably hanging on your bedroom wall or towel rack and toss it directly in the Chesapeake Bay, you crab-eating, football game-losing weirdos. You Mid Atlantic dicks have so little to be proud of that you either hopelessly cling to representing DC (not in Maryland) or try to stray from the norm and pose as West Virginia hillbillies. Also, what’s up with Baltimore? Fix it immediately.

Pros: Old Bay, Seafood, Seacret’s, the Noah’s Ark structure along I-68 that’s made excellent progress in the last 20 years

Cons: People from Baltimore and its suburbs, people from the D[M]V, people from Western Maryland, people from the Eastern Shore, people from Southern Maryland (if that’s a thing)

8. Oregon

Oregon’s most famous thing is…..a fucking trail that hasn’t been traversed since the 19th century. What else does Oregon have? The Portland Trailblazers? Trail mix? Mix CDs? You hipster losers probably still make mix CDs and mix tapes for your hairy, unwashed girlfriends, don’t you? The amount of homeless people in Portland is a PROBLEM. For the homeless people. Can we relocate them to a better/cleaner city or state immediately?

Pros: I don’t care

Cons: I don’t care

7. North Carolina

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North Carolina is the confused, emotionally-vulnerable girl from your high school who based her entire personality on the 22-year-old dude who dated fucked her for 2-3 months: the racist NASCAR fan, the prejudiced country boy/girl (there’s a subtle difference), the hyper-progressive feminist, the bitter Ivy League reject, the pseudo-intellectual rap fan, the insufferable college basketball fan, the environmentally-conscious hiking fiend, the barely relevant family-friendly beac…the point is, North Carolina tries to be a lot of things, which only leads to them to being shitty at everything.

Pros: The colleges

Cons: The fans of the colleges

6. California

California, I’m begging you to shut up. Give up on your social media/acting/modeling/singing/song-writing/Gildan tee-shirt selling/ “career” and be quiet for once. Go vlog yourselves permanently disappearing into the Redwood Forest or whatever it’s called. I promise you I wouldn’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe.

“WHAT is UP, YouTu- *gets absolutely fucking mauled by a Black Bear*

Hey Silicon Valley, you socially-inept dweebs are almost as insufferable as the “influencers” in LA, so stop smirking. The only thing California loves more than themselves is diddling kids. Hey Hollywood, be WAY less of a pedophile ring and WAY more of a film industry. I would keep roasting you, but it looks like your wildfi…how about we take this moment to pray for California.

Pros: I’d probably move there if given the opportunity

Cons: 10 hour round-trip commutes to work, the possibility of being neighbors with a YouTuber, the possibility of being a child actor who has to work with A-list celebrities and directors pedophiles

5. Washington

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Hey Washington, do you wet assholes need an umbrella or something? Are you good? You pretentious, water-logged dicks are getting drenched on a daily basis and no amount of Microsoft employees or Bill Gateses can develop the technology capable of stopping your stupid fucking state from experiencing constant downpours. Wet Canada. Cold California. Slightly Better Idaho. I still want to see your stupid land get decimated by Helen’s juices.

Pros: Gorgeous scenery

Cons: The Seahawks inexplicably decided to pass the ball on the 1 yard line, despite having Marshawn Lynch on their roster

4. Missouri

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Whoops. Completely forgot to rank this shit show of a state, so it unintentionally ended up in the top five. Good work, Missouri. You have two “big” cities. One is named after a completely different state and the other has the highest murder rate in the country. Everything in between is a mystery to me, but I have a hunch it’s filled with low brain cells and high meth tolerance. You have an NHL team that’s aptly named after a synonym for depression and an NFL team that moved to LA, because it was so depressing. It might seem like The Chiefs are starting to become relevant, but they haven’t played in a Super Bowl since Nixon’s inauguration and I’ll take this moment to preemptively tell them “good season!” on their second round playoff loss.

Pros: Probably good for hiking, fishing, spelunking, and shit like that

Cons: The cities, towns, buildings, schools, roads, etc.

3. Delaware

What a fucking afterthought of a state. Delaware is the physical manifestation of a yawn or a green “???” text that was left on read. I went to a music festival there a couple summers ago and didn’t find out I was actually in Delaware until a year later. It’s less of a state and more of a large neighborhood that’s hanging from Pennsylvania’s chin like a shitty goatee.

Pros: It’s too unimportant and forgettable to even be disliked

Cons: It could detach from the continental U.S. and float away for eternity and no one would give a smidgen of a fuck or even realize it was gone

2. Colorado

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I heard the people in Colorado are really friendly and welcoming, which is incredibly annoying to me for some reason. Congratulations on having a bunch of weed! You’re still just as boring and plain as you look on a map. Perfect quadrangular lookin state. Toddler puzzle piece ass state. Go eat a THC-infused dick and watch a conspiracy theory video in your filthy basement, you squares. Or you can go “rave” at Red Rocks, you posers.

Pros: All the mountain stuff. Well, maybe not all of it. Now that I think about it, mountains probably have more cons than pros. Fuck Colorado.

Cons: An influx of edible-eating, pyramid-scheming idiots moving there

1. Hawaii

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Hawaii is so far removed from my radar (like 10 time zones away) that I don’t even know what specifically sucks about it. I’m sure it’s a super fucking inconvenient place to actually live, though.

Pros: Vacation resorts

Cons: Being 20,000 miles from anything relevant