Engagement Rings Is Society's Dumbest Tradition

Yesterday we saw the girl who hated her surprise engagement ring go viral. She snooped (as women do) and she shamed (as women do) and it was one of the saddest shots for monogamy since I lost my phone in the snow.

I am here, to say very loud and clear – the tradition and expectation of an expensive engagement ring is maybe the worst thing about society today. Exaggerating but not exaggerating. Its like:

Murder

Racism

Engagement rings

Maybe swap rings and racism.

And I understand I’m coming to you as a bitter man with a failed marriage, but even prior to that horrendous mistake, I felt this way. As I was buying it, when I was fully on board with marriage and a happy guy, I was like “this is fucking insane.” I wanted to flex, I wanted to make her happy, and most importantly I wanted to make her friends jealous. Everyone knows the most important part of getting a diamond ring for your lady is to one up her friends and her enemies.

And so I did it. Dropped a lot of cash on a fucking dope ring and achieved all three of those things, as many of my fellow comrades have done. And then after your bank account is empty and the social media likes dry up, you got a piece of jewelry on her finger that nobody cares about ever again. Including her! That ring sits right next to their regular ass jewelry like its nothing special. The engagement ring is basically a big free agent signing that never fully lives up to the expectation. You break the bank signing the biggest superstar available on the market and maybe if you’re lucky for the first few years, you get your money’s worth. But the back end of that contract is gonna be a nightmare. All of a sudden the honeymoon phase is over and that ring has lost its luster and its sitting right next to a David Yurman ring that cost like 1/100th the price. The engagement ring is like Giancarlo Stanton and the other jewelry is Aaron Judge. There they are…both having the same effect. Except you resent one way more than the other because of how much it costs. No opt out, full no trade clauses. And severe penalties for breach of contract.

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If I got a 20 thousand dollar gift from someone I’d thank them like every goddam day. Girls, I dont think you realize how much you take the ring for granted. Hopefully, maybe, you’re giving some engagement sex. Do something kinky. Give us the Gluck Gluck 9000. But after that you realize that you’re just walking around with years and years worth of our savings on your finger and you still give us shit for forgetting to take out the garbage. You would think maybe you get some slack after dropping the ring…I feel like you should get, oh, I dunno, a few years worth? But at the very least can we get like a month? The only reward you get after buying a ring and proposing is wedding planning. SICK, dude. Sick.

And so thats why I’ve proposed the theory of Reciprocity for the Ring. If I ever run for President this would be my platform. For every one dollar you spend on the ring, your girl has to spend on your bachelor party. Equally stupid expenditures, in my opinion, both of which bring extreme joy to the male and female involved. So you gotta think it through if youre a girl. The one thing they love the most – the ring – pitted against the one thing they hate the most – their man having fun without them. Do you really need that extra carat? Or that higher clarity? Because guess what girl – thats a few thousand more dollars contributing to his weekend of booze and strippers and debauchery. You walk around with 2 or 3 carats on your finger, everyone knows that your now-husband probably fucked a stripper on his bachelor party. Woo hoo! Nice ring! Thats worth about a threesome in Vegas. Maybe a foursome if there’s no yellow in that stone!

So either guys get some sort of reciprocation for dropping an entire bank account on her ring…or its a deterrent to let you keep all your money and you buy her something modest. All the sudden the women walking around with a mere half a carat are the ones with the high status. They’re the ones that everyone is jealous of. “OMG did you see Karen’s ring??? Its cubic zirconia! Her husband probably doesnt even have herpes! They probably actually love each other. What a lucky bitch!” Flip the whole fucking game on its head. Put Kay Jewelers and all those Blood Diamond mercenaries who chop kid’s arms off out of business.

I’m telling you, man. Reciprocity for The Ring. Changes relationships, marriage and bachelor parties…maybe even the world…forever.