Here we have the closest thing to an internet perfect game. There is so, so much fun to be had in this 11-second video. Not an ounce of fat in sight, not a second wasted, just right down to business. For those of you who have ever submitted a video and said “put this up on Barstool,” I would point you to this clip as a model. It’s the sort of thing you can watch 50 times but still learn something new each time.
First, the setting. This is a small-sided indoor soccer game. The curtain has been drawn, setting the stage for this game to be played while some other meaningless game is played. It could be that a group of small children are having a clinic on the other side. We’ll never know, because of the curtain.
Then we have the players. Obviously the hero is the kid with the pulverized testicles. You’ll notice that he forgot the standard-issue black soccer shorts, so he’s wearing grey basketball shorts. Might as well be a bullseye. He follows his man into the box but then kinda loses focus, finds himself a nice safe piece of turf, and camps out without a care in the world. Dude has no idea that he’s about to piss blood for a week.
Then, the moment of magic: orange cleats catches a volley sweeter than Stevie G in his prime. Sends the orange Walmart ball straight into the seeds of basketball shorts, dropping him like a toy soldier. If you watch closely, he goes down slowly. More of a crumple than a tumble. The fall is accompanied by two distinct and wonderful sounds: the thud of the ball against his scrotum and the ensuing “GRUHHHH.” It’s a guttural, animalistic reaction. And even as our hearts break for his broken bits, we laugh until we can’t breathe. Because we (men) have all been there, but a knock to the balls is only not funny when it happens to you.
After that, mayhem. The crowd gasps, but the action is just beginning. Orange cleats takes another whack at the ball that, conveniently, came right back to his destructive feet. This time, he sends it off the thigh of another opponent. It was tracking for his balls too, but he turned at the last second, ensuring the continuity of his family line. From there, it pinballs into another guy. Then the first guy whiffs, and finally, some exasperated father in the crowd yells, “blow the whistle.”
In all, it’s a masterpiece. These are the videos you hope to find as a blogger: a perfectly choreographed comedy of errors. Thanks to basketball shorts for his sacrifice. May his voice return to its normal, manly register as soon as possible.