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Frank The Tank Was Locked In A Goddamn Gutter War Against His Computer Last Night

Writer’s Note: I can’t figure out a way to embed Periscopes in the blog and for that I apologize.

While the clinching game of the World Series and rematch of one of the craziest NFL playoff endings ever took place last night, our boy Frank The Tank just crashed the party by getting tangled in one of the greatest Man vs. Machine battles the world has ever seen. And I was absolutely mesmerized by it. Like I literally woke up my wife three (3) different times from either laughing or giving a play-by-play of Frank grinding away at his desk taking on loading spinning wheels and unhelpful Periscope commenters just to churn out some blogs for the Stoolies while R2D2 chirped him from the peanut gallery every 30 seconds or so like R2 is prone to do. I was cackling just typing that sentence out. You thought John Connor had it bad battling the baddest Terminators that Skynet has to offer? Well John Connor ain’t got shit on Frank Fleming’s struggle vs. Microsoft Word. Frank damn near hit NJ Transit levels of anger during those ‘Scopes*, even dropping some colorful language along the way. Thank God that lanky bitch Clippy didn’t make an appearance or else we may have seen The Tank fire away and turn his MOTHERFUCKING PC into rubble.

We all knew the machines would turn against us sooner or later and they seem to have started their rise up against mankind by taking on a blogging OG that created the Sports Ecyclopedia years before a young Davey Pageviews shaved his soul patch off so he could look clean shaven while battling for position to hand out free newspapers on his way to building a media powerhouse.

Could all this be fixed if Frank just restarted his machine or deleted the computer games? I’m not sure. Everyone knows a big game of Minesweeper can be a lowkey memory drain. What I do know however is that I was glued to my phone watching to find out as I watched Barstool’s newest rivalry bloom before my very eyes. Sorry @MLB and @NFL, but Tank moves the needle more than either of you ever will. Keep grinding Frank, we love you for it.

*Short for Periscope