Debbie Downer Stephen Hawking May Have Said There Is No God, But He Also Said We'll Probably Time Travel Soon


The headline everybody is grabbing from Stephen Hawking’s new book is that “There is no God,” and rightfully so – that’s a pretty big bomb to drop on like, 80% of the people alive.  Lot of time and effort put into that whole God thing and this genius scientist just takes a dump all over your face on his way into the great beyond.   Also he kind of suggested that Aliens are going to kick the shit out of us.

While Hawking spoke of his lack of belief in God during his life, several of his other answers are more surprising.

“There are forms of intelligent life out there,” he writes. “We need to be wary of answering back until we have developed a bit further.”

Little bit of a hint-hint there – don’t react to the aliens when they talk to you, because they’re going to come and steal your girlfriend and your planet.  And you can’t even pray to God that it won’t happen.  Because let’s be clear, when a brilliant scientist who knows more about space than you know about anything in the world says “be wary,” you should probably be wary.

BUT lost in all the Debbie Downer Hawking-isms was this pretty cool nugget – Time travel is coming!

And he leaves open the possibility of other phenomena.

“Travel back in time can’t be ruled out according to our present understanding,” he says. He also predicts that “within the next hundred years we will be able to travel to anywhere in the Solar System.”

Well, maybe I came on a little strong there.  “Can’t be ruled out.”  And now that Hawking is gone who knows if anyone left is smart enough to figure it out.  But it can’t be ruled out!  Believe in something, man.

Now listen.  I know what you’re thinking.

“But Keith, the critically acclaimed 2004 Ashton Kutcher film ‘The Butterfly Effect’ taught me that all time travel does is change things and ruin everything in the future.”

Yes, correct.  I also took that lesson away from the critically acclaimed 2004 Ashton Kutcher film.  But that is a risk I am willing to take.  Life is boring.  Nothing happens once you hit like, 22.  I’ll take my chances traveling back in time with a Grays Sports Almanac that Doc carelessly leaves in a stationary trash bin as opposed to a Litter Bug and becoming the richest smartest man on the planet from the penthouse of my hotel overlooking the chaotic dystopia I’ve created.