What a Time to Be a Masshole

Jerry Thornton10/17/2018 2:21 PM

What a life. What a 48 hours. What a week. What an October. Since the month began the four teams combined are 12-3. Two of those losses belong to the Red Sox, who are two wins from going back to the World Series. The other belongs to the Bruins, who’ve won their last four by a combined 22-6. The Celtics just teabagged the closest thing they have to competition in the East. And the Patriots just beat the last undefeated team in their conference.

The teams are cross-promoting and supporting each other like maniacs, with social media back-and-forths and team officials answering questions about one another at press conferences. It’s enough to make our hearts grow three sizes inside our fleece pullovers. Nothing but Pumpkin Spice awesomeness pouring out of every orifice in New England.

And just to make it even better, the reigning champions just got caught doing the exact thing to the Red Sox the Patriots were found guilty of in 2007. Namely using a camera to steal signals:

And it would appear MLB has already started spinning this thing as no big deal. Just “Nothing to see here”-ing the shit out the reporting done by Danny Picard of Metro Boston as all a big misunderstanding.

Late on Tuesday a source with knowledge of the situation but asked to speak anonymously said that while the person in question was with the Astros, he was actually trying to ensure that the Red Sox were not the ones cheating.

My God, it’s just so beautiful. So indescribably beautiful. We not only get all this winning, we get handed this perfect conspiracy theory to keep our constant state of paranoia dialed up to 11. I couldn’t ask for anything better. And if you need a history lesson to know what I’m talking about, when the Patriots pointed a camera at the Jets sideline in 07, it was treated as a true scandal. On a national scale. Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Hell) who was then representing Pennsylvania pandered to his voters in Pittsburgh and Philly by trying to get congressional hearings about it. I am not making that up. And this was Week 1! Not the playoffs. The Patriots lost their 1st round draft pick over it. A Jets fan sued the league for breach of something-or-other. To this day people bitch about Roger Goodell not releasing the tapes like he would ever conspire to help the Patriots. Jay Glazer has the video and shows it at parties and says a lot of it is shots of cheerleaders asses. But MLB was able to broom their investigation into the Astros even before getting a decent night’s sleep. It’s fantastic.

This is one of those weeks that makes you appreciate how good you have it. 20 years ago Massholes were calling our own city “Loserville.” Stars like David Justice were putting clauses in their contracts that they couldn’t be traded here. It was so bad we once had a rally at City Hall Plaza for the Red Sox almost winning the ’86 World Series and another for Ray Bourque winning the Stanley Cup. In Colorado. And now we are the center of the universe, lying down every night on our embarrassment of riches like a dragon. Plus we get just enough of a persecution complex over something like Astros Spygate to keep us on our toes. It makes you wonder what it’s like to be stuck by accident of birth in Utah or Minnesota or wherever.

I couldn’t ask for anything better. Except more winning.