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CLEANING UP HUMAN FECES, NOT THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD

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I was on @BarstoolRadio with @KFCBarstool, @FeitsBarstool, and @TheLizGonzales. It was weird being on radio with Feits because I have no clue how you pronounce his last name due to reading it wrong on his blogs since the early days of Barstool. On air, we discussed getting your braces off and how good it feels but we never went it depth as to what the best feelings in the world are.

1. Warm feeling getting water out of your ear

2. Sex

3. Getting your braces off

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Honorable Mention

4. Friday Paycheck

5. Seeing the deck of cards go across the computer screen while playing solitaire

Before you say Vibbs is trying to be funny putting sex at #2 and water in your ear #1 or Vibbs has never had sex so he doesn’t know how great is feels. I have had sex. (INSERT BORAT CATCHPHRASE) I would also argue the warm feeling of water entering your ear is water sexually thrusting into your ear canal, so maybe it’s a 1a 1b thing.

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Getting your braces off is a great feeling physically and mentally. It doesn’t trump sex on this list. Maybe if there was a sexual aspect to getting your braces off it would be better. Dragging your tongue across the fresh surface is great, but maybe it would be higher ranked if I could have dragged/drug? my genitals across my teeth to feel the smooth textur…too weird and too soon for the blog.

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My first REAL job with a “real” paycheck and taxes was at a comedy club in Indianapolis from 2011- 2017 while in college and running cross country. I wasn’t performing on stage … yet. I was an usher and eventually a cook. I got the job because I was a warm body that showed up on time and could seat people. 

When I was an usher I would also have to clean the men’s and women’s bathrooms during shows. This was 2011 when Al Gore was still the only person who gave a shit about the environment and it wasn’t cool to take straws away from people.

One time upon entering the men’s bathroom at the comedy club to replace paper towels, I noticed a foul bathroom odor. Interesting, I thought to myself. No time to panic. Nothing out of the ordinary. As my eyes scanned the bathroom for things out of place; my panic alarm went off completely. My eyes laid upon something on the ground. A turd out of captivity of a toilet bowl. Lying there motionless on the tile floor like a lazy python laying exposed after engulfing a hippo. I’d seen this once before.

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One time in 4th grade the weird neighbor kid said he had a surprise to show me and my friends in his sister’s play house. That surprise was just a long turd he pooped. Got ‘em.

My friends and I then proceeded to spaghetti leg him like we were stomping him out of a gang. We walked away from the turd and the kid squirming on the ground. Probably excessive. When some weirdo says he has a surprise to show you in his play house you should just appreciate that he didn’t show you his dick in there and move on.

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I couldn’t walk away from this turd on the floor of the comedy club bathroom. In Indiana we poop in the toilet, even the homeless. We aren’t like savages like New Yorkers who just shit in the streets. I couldn’t trace where the turd came from, but It was my job to clean it up. I put on a rubber glove and went to town like Ellie from Jurassic Park taking on a pile of Triceratops dung. I’ll never forget feeling the warmth permeating through the glove to my hand as I moved the poo to the toilet. I also won’t forget the way the soft stool gripped to the floor like the hands of a child being ripped away from it’s mother.

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None of that was a good feeling.

If you have ever worked in the service industry, you know.

But sitting with all your co-workers at 2am on a Friday night while the servers and bartenders count up their tips and the manager hands you that two week check for about $350. Everything was direct deposit but holding that physical check … that’s a GREAT feeling. While I did have to clean shit off the bathroom floor, navigate a bottle neck of meal orders, and live in a 9×8 room for $300 a month with a weird roommate who is super into birds because he finds them “mysterious” … You technically just got paid to be in show biz.  (Put my head in a microwave for calling it show biz.)

It was a small behind the scenes roll, but that money was more money than I’d ever seen on a check. Sad, but true. The money doesn’t matter. It’s all you need to get it started. You’re doing it.

EDIT to the RANKINGS

I’m adding Getting paid doing what you love to Friday Paycheck but still keeping Friday paycheck at #4. Maybe if somehow they came up with a way to have sex with your pay … too weird and too soon for the blog.

#5 Winning feels good. Combine winning with OCD  and needing to see all the cards fill up the screen and it is almost as good as sex. Screen Shot 2018-10-15 at 12.51.55 PM