Usain Bolt Scored Two Professional Soccer Goals Last Night, And He Might Actually Be Good At Soccer?

Usain Bolt is playing soccer in Australia. God knows why. Dude should be exclusively running hail mary routes in the NFL like when you played Madden in middle school with a frozen snickers bar in your lap and threw your controller at your friend’s head after every interception. But instead, after dominating the Olympics for over a decade, he chose to strap on his cleats and play in Australia’s A-League. It’s Australia’s top league but that’s not saying a ton, given that it only has 10 teams and none of Australia’s national team players play in it (they’re all in the EPL, Scottish PL, Bundesliga, etc.)

His move to soccer was seen as a publicity stunt by many. Much like Tim Tebow crossing over to baseball, it was sort of sad. Except Tebow was cut, while Bolt was retiring as the greatest sprinter, and one of the greatest olympians, of all time. The problem for an exceptional athlete like Bolt is that he’s pushed out of the sprinting game at 30. That’s not the retirement age for most athletes. He’s 32 now and still feels like a young man. So, as a soccer fan, he decides to take his talents to the pitch and see if he can kick it with the hackers in Australia.

Well, last night he scored a brace. And the first goal was actually… good? A contested control and a decent left-footed strike that kept the ball low. Admittedly, the goalie should have done better. But that was a real soccer goal, in Australia’s top soccer league. Therefore, we’d have to say that Usain Bolt is a real soccer player? Good on ya, mate. There’s a new strategy for the Central Coast Mariners: boot it over the top and let the fastest man of all time run.