Dion Phaneuf Is A Huge Fan Of Free Health Care And Is Handing Out Vasectomies Pro Bono This NHL Season
Hockey is such a beautiful sport. There’s just this certain level of grace involved with these giant men flying around at 30mph on a sheet of ice wearing 1/8″ wide blades of steel attached to their feet and while handling a little rubber puck with skill and precision. The game is fast. The game is elegant. But sometimes the game is Dion Phaneuf using a composite stick as large weaponry to harpoon another player in the dick and nuts. That part of the game is beautiful as well, but just for a different reason.
There are a couple of rules that everybody should live their lives by. One of those rules is that you should never hit another man in the nuts. But with that being said–it’s always funny watching somebody else take one to the sack. I wouldn’t go around laughing my ass off about it but I don’t think anybody could watch Adam Lowry slowly skate back to the bench completely hunched over without at least letting a small chuckle out.
But yeah. You don’t go around spearing dudes in the taint like that. And there are really only 2 reasonable explanations for how this happened. The first one is that Dion Phaneuf intentionally was going for the nut shot, in which case he should probably be fined because that’s not cool. And the second one is that Phaneuf was going for a stick lift on Lowry but just completely whiffed and got all taint, in which case he should probably retire because he’s clearly getting too old out there and it’s at the point now where his lack of coordination is endangering other players. Either way you cut it up, it’s a bad look for Dion “The Butcher” Phaneuf. Good news for Lowry is if you’re gonna get stabbed in the nads, an ice hockey rink is probably the best place for it to happen. Just grab some snow out of the Zamboni, ice it down and get back out there. It’s just a lower body injury.