With the resurgence of Pat The Bat last week going ya ya during BP in khakis then saying on the radio he could as a scout “still pluck one from the herd every once in awhile”, I decided to revisit an old post I had on my initial sports blog, Almighty Philly (RIP). With GoDaddy castrating my first love without even giving a head’s up, I’ve brought the blog back to life on here and added some more goodness to the greatest Pat Burrell legends known to man.
Pat Burrell was definitely not the best player ever to wear a Phillies uniform. He wasn’t the most likable or best looking, either (Richie Ashburn and John Kruk deserve both of those honors, respectively). Pat was kind of an dick according to most people, too. But somehow towards the end of his time here in 2008, the long tenured Pat The Bat became one of the most beloved Phillies in recent memory. It didn’t matter if most of The Babe’s moonshots were solo HR’s off meatballs when there was already an 8 run difference, he became a sort of legend. Not necessary because of his play on the field, but rather the tall tales of the Babe off the diamond.
Everyone in the Tri-State area has a Pat Burrell story. Sure, most are second and third hand and are probably greatly exaggerated, but still somehow you can see the possibility of truth in all of them. Regardless of accuracy, there isn’t a spot on the Internet to get most of these tall tales in one place, until now.
Not going to get overly jokey or opinionated here, just going to present the facts of the greatest Pat Burrell legends never told:
And somehow there are no stories coming out from this photo of Pat dressing up as The Machine with smokes at Barry Zito’s California palace. One can only imagine. Bring out the gimp.
Pat The Bat At The Bar
During the early years of his career, Burrell was spotted having a fun night with friends at 32 Degrees in Olde City. Pat, dressed in an awesomely homoerotic fish net t-shirt with a gold chain around his neck, went up to the bar to order a round of Bud Lights. After receiving a tray with about 10 bottles scattered about, The Babe proceeded to walk away. The bartender catches Pat’s attention by yelling, “Hey man, you have to pay for those beers.” The Bat stops, slowly turns around and said, “Do you know who I am?” The barkeep, confused by the question, replied, “Yeah…you’re Pat Burrell.” Burrell instantly responds back with force, “You are correct. I am Pat Burrell,” and proceeds to walk back to his table without paying for the drinks.
Myth or Reality: Multiple sources have confirmed this to be a factual account of The Bat – Reality
Pat The Bat at the U.
No doubt about it, Burrell was a stud on and of the field at the University of Miami. He batted in the .400’s, won the Golden Spikes (best amateur baseball player) award and most likely had his way with every willing or comatose woman/man/animal residing in Coral Gables. Pat The Bat was also described as being a very intimidating force at the plate. A man amongst boys during college.
This tall tale involves a pitcher who threw in the high 80’s giving the Babe some high heat. The first attempt brushed Burrell back a little, but nothing worth noting. The second pitch sailed over over Pat’s head. Burrell, with his 6’4+ frame of man meat, stared the pitcher down and dared him to send the pitch his way again. The next throw, the pitcher had the guts and nuts to go right back at Pat, and the Machine did not budge. He simply caught it with his bare hand, pretended to take a bite out of it and walked to first base staring into the pitcher’s soul.
Myth or Reality: Seems too much for even a Zeus legend let alone a Burrell one – Myth
Pat the Bat with a Porn Star
It’s no secret Pat Burrell has been around the block, most likely the neighborhood, when it comes to the ladies. However, in March of 2009, it was confirmed the Machine took it to the next level as porn star Sophia Rossia (here are the nudes you savages) admitted to Howard Stern she and Burrell had a “relationship some time ago“. She didn’t elaborate except for decsribing the Bat as “immature”. Exactly what she meant by that, we may never know. His personality? In the bedroom? Needed to cork his bat? Probably referring to all of the above.
Myth or Reality: Somewhat both. She said it on Stern but didn’t or hasn’t elaborated what she meant since, so Pat gets a pass – PUSH
Pat the Bat in a Brawl
Burrell’s mental and physical toughness was always question on the field as a Phillie. Off the diamond, most of the stories about Pat involved slinging some serious dick, but here we have an exception. Burrell was out with his college butt buddy and fellow Phillies OF Jason Michaels heading out of a club when an altercation occurred. Michaels got arguably his best hit as a Phillie as he started pummeling an UNIFORMED Philadelphia police officer (obviously one of the more intelligent things you can do). Burrell was right next to his buddy when the altercation went down. Now, a true best friend and teammate would’ve either:
1) Realized the severity of the situation and pulled Michaels off the cop immediately.
2) Be a friend and either jump into the melee if there’s another party involved or stop the fight if Michaels is getting his ass handed to him.
3) Don’t get involved in the fight, but at least stay by his best friend and maybe even bail him out later.
Burrell chose option 4 – literally run away from the scene like a school girl whose boyfriend is getting the dick kicked off of him and denied he was ever involved in the situation. Pat the Bat, ladies and gentleman. Always looking out for #1. Or the pussy. Whichever looks better at the time.
Myth or Reality: Countless witnesses and subsequent articles confirm the entire situation – Reality
Pat the Bat in Bed
Two separate stories involving Pat’s exploits in the bedroom. Tale #1 has been told multiple times in a variety of ways, but essentially hits the same points each time. The Fightins’ are on the road, and Pat brings a young lady back to his room. At some point, Pat decides to turn her over and put it in her ass. As he’s plowing her, he begins to scream, “Is your pussy jealous? Is your pussy jealous? Cause Pat Burrell is fucking you in the ass!” Always the charmer.
Story #2 comes from more concise sources. A few guys were on a business trip in Pittsburgh. They knew the Phils were in town so when they spotted Pat Burrell at a club, it wasn’t a total surprise. The Bat ended up taking a liking to one of the girls in their group. She thought he was good looking but didn’t follow baseball. He took her back to his hotel room and a make out session ensued until the girl alerted the Machine she would NOT do him. Quizzical by her not wanting to hop on the Bat, Burrell seemed to respect her chastity. Rather than pull a Darren Sharper or fly into a blueball rage, he simply looked down at his enlarged pants and asked her a simple question: “Well, you mind if I take care of business?” Horrified, she exited the premises to leave Pat the Bat take care of what needed to be done.
Myth or Reality: Really no reason to believe these stories are true. Wait, yeah there are reasons. Many of them. – Reality
I know there are countless more stories out there, so if you have any to share, by all means, leave it below for the people. Pat the Bat. A man that shattered all myths and venereal diseases to become a local legend.