REST IN GREECE

I know it has been pushed to the back of the financial pages lately, but I just want to remind everyone… Greece is still fucked.

Its people are still stuck in what is the worst collapse a rich country has ever gone through, and the pain is not over.  If the International Monetary Fund’s latest projections are correct, it might be at least another 10 years before Greece is back to where it was in 2007… And that’s only if there isn’t another recession between now and then.

Every time I hear of news like this, I immediately think about how I can drink some tears… 2 examples:

1) In 1993, I bought a 1972 Buick Electra from an old lady who suffered from Alzheimer’s and whose husband recently died.  She just wanted it gone and the old man never drove it because he was on dialysis.  I think I haggled her down $400 for it, and it had a mere 10,000 miles on the odometer.  The only downside was that she reported it stolen once a month (again, Alzheimer’s), but that was a small price for me to pay after the small price I had already paid.

I think it cost me another $200 to get the hoses and belts changed, otherwise the car was “cherry”.  And the mechanic almost came when he got to actually work on a car that wasn’t tiny, computer filled, and Japanese.

Man… I miss that fucking car.

2) There were some race riots in Baltimore in early May of 2015 after a young African-American lad was killed by the cops.  I saw the news and I almost tripped over my own feet rushing to the phone to call the Hilton across the street from Camden Yards and book the Presidential Parlor Suite overlooking the ballpark for a Yankees game a few weeks later.  The front desk gave it to me for pennies on the dollar because it seemed almost irresponsible for me to book such a trip with my family.  They even threw in 5 tickets to the game and a voucher for some ballpark swag… And I don’t even like baseball.

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So it stands to reason that I have been keeping a close eye on Greece since their economy collapsed. Tourism is still their number 1 industry, and as a result, the country has made every effort to get its hotels and beaches ready for visitors who want to return to their beautiful shores.

I was at a point where I was thiiiis close to pulling the trigger on a nice little romantic getaway to Santorini for me and the bride when I saw this…

Are you fucking kidding me?

You are in a situation where people are unable to get their savings out of the local bank in Mykonos, but you’re going to ban fat tourists from donkey rides?

I don’t think you need to click on the link provided above because the gist of the story is that anyone 220 or above is banned from taking one of Greece’s famed donkey rides as officials fear for the health of the animals.  Santorini is known for its hilly terrain and donkeys have traditionally been used to transport people over the famously stepped areas that vehicles cannot access.

Thank God I fucking read this article prior, because if I DID go to Greece with my slim bride and she easily hopped on a burro while I was denied access because I have hopped on too many burritos, I woulda burnt that fucking place to the ground.

I once climbed 10 flights of scaffolding stairs to ride a waterslide with my kids at a disgusting waterpark, only to have the lifeguard up top weigh me on a giant scale in front of what seemed like THOUSANDS of onlookers.  I came in at a whopping 303 pounds for a slide that had a 300-pound weight limit, so I was denied access.  My kids gladly abandoned me and rode the slide, while I had to embark on a walk of shame back down those same stairs as people waiting on line laughed and threw rotten fruit at me.

I made the fruit part up, but it was pretty fucking mortifying.  And to express my anger, I locked the door in one of their men’s rooms and I shit in a urinal.

Looking back now, I think that waterpark incident was probably the intervention that spurned my dramatic diet and exercise regimen.  Which is why 3 years later, I stand in front of you like a long, lean, and slide-ready 291 pounds.

But back to Greece… 220 pounds is not even a possibility (unless I lose both legs in a waterslide accident), so I canceled my plans to visit that God forsaken land (and birthplace of homosexuality, coincidentally*). and I rebuke the country as a whole.

Who knew the straw that would break the camel’s back would be the fat tourist who broke the donkey’s back, but here we are.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am looking for an all-inclusive in Yemen.

Take a report.

-Large

*Greece is not the birthplace of homosexuality… I was just angry.  France is.