GETTING MY ASSHOLE WAXED IN 2014 GOT ME AN APARTMENT IN 2018

I’m alive. I made it to New York City. It has easily been the most bizarre month of my life. One moment you’re living in Indiana, then the next your job no longer exists and you’re flying out to NYC with everything you own packed into two suitcases.This move has taught me a few things:

#1) I’m More Prepared Than I Thought I Was

I found an apartment and was ready to sign the lease after my second night in the city. Everyone told me that was great, because sometimes it takes a few days or even weeks. When I woke up the next morning, I was going to go drop off the rent checks, sign the lease, and get the keys to the new apartment. Instead I checked my email to find out that my bank decided to freeze my accounts and lock me out of them. Classic. I rushed to the bank to see what the problem was. The Banker told me since it was a new account in a new city (I sold my car and deposited the money into a savings account when I got to NYC on Monday) I would have to wait a few days for them to sort it out. Or, I could call up my old bank and see if someone there could personally verify me. I had no clue if this was proper protocol or what the hell was even going on. I haven’t been in a bank lobby in about 10 years, so my stomach went into my throat. I thought I was going to miss out on my apartment and be stuck aimlessly wandering the streets of NYC, wheeling my luggage around like a dope. I was starting to feel a bit hopeless. I’d been doing so well in the city. I called up the bank branch from my hometown and some guy named David answered. I frantically explained the situation and told him “I know this is going to sound very strange and this is a long shot but do you remember me ever coming to your bank ? Can you personally verify who I am?”

There was a brief pause. “Vibbert? You’re the guy who got his taint waxed on the radio?”

“YES! That’s me!”

From 2014, I worked for a syndicated radio show out of Indianapolis called The Bob & Tom Show. I ran the cameras, wrote jokes, and would occasionally do on-air stunts.

In this instance I got my ass waxed as a 24th birthday present because well, comedy? (Full video linked if you’re a creep.) Little did I know I was taking a responsible step towards protecting myself against identity theft. After all, identity theft is not a joke.

I then gave the banker a look that said, THAT’S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER, I JUST USED MY GOOCH AS A PHOTO ID RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE.

Man, It sure pays to be someone.

I never thought “you’re the guy who got his taint waxed on the radio” would sound so beautiful to me. I would also like to state for the record that my mom did not think putting a video of me doing that on the internet forever was a responsible thing to do, so take that, Mom.

Simpsons get all the credit for predicting the future but let’s give Dave Chappelle credit for loosely predicting the future of banking.

#2) I might be the biggest moron in New York City.

After searching for places online and mostly finding apartments run by slum lords or places in the back of an opium den, I finally found a newly renovated apartment with all the amenities a young man may need. Except an Elevator. I walked up 6 flights of stairs and never asked the lady showing me the place, “Why the fuck are we doing this instead of taking the elevator?” A simple question.

I didn’t think a sixth floor walk up would be that bad. I mean, it’s in the single digits. I run on a regular basis, not a big deal. Wrong. Without having to carry anything up the stairs the trip isn’t that bad, but add anything in your hands over 50 pounds and navigating the narrow faux marble stairs becomes a test of human strength and endurance. 

I don’t know what it’s going to take, but I’d just like to be able to walk up the stairs without needing a Sherpa to feed me oxygen and rub my back and tell me it’s okay, rest here, we will head for summit in the morning (I can’t understand his language but somehow his eyes and body language are telling me this.)

Thanks to everyone at Barstool HQ and David from the bank for making the first week and transition to the city as easy as possible. I’m going to be blogging and doing whatever content I can while I wait for radio to start up in about a month, then hopefully start doing a podcast on top of it all. Nothing is set in stone, things can change. I just want everything to be as organic as possible and make sure whatever show I’m on is the right fit. So far so good.