Week 5 NFL Rewind - AFC
Before we get going I just want to really hammer home that Dennis Rodman was the celebrity guest picker on the Sports Advisors yesterday. Feels like we’re not making a big enough deal about that.
Every single AFC home team won this week. I don’t know if that means anything but it’s a thing that happened. I’m sure it happens more than I realize but you know what, I don’t care for your tone questioning these fun facts. Let’s just get to the games already.
Tennessee Titans 12, Buffalo Bills 13
Most rushing TDs for the Buffalo Bills this year? Shady McCoy? Nope. Josh “White Lightning” Allen? You better believe it.
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Once he learns a little bit of touch? Woo buddy.
To be serious for a brief moment: the man can throw lasers when he knows where the ball is going. Chiefs made their offense as Oregon-y as possible to get Mahomes adjusted early on and it’s paid huge dividends. Every Rams broadcast seems to brag about how McVay draws plays for Goff so that the first option is almost always open. I realize McDermott isn’t McVay or Andy Reid but you start getting Josh slightly better looks like this and they’ll only benefit now and long term.
Rattled? Joshua Jehosaphat Allen doesn’t get rattled.
Miami Dolphins 17, Cincinnati Bengals 28
Jakeem Grant is very likely the fastest man alive.
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Dolphins were up 17-0 with 9:25 left in the third quarter. 17-3 at the start of the fourth quarter. Now they’re in second place after starting 3-0. A real shame.
Tannehill showing off the howitzer attached to his right arm
“Idc who wins all I know is I’m leaving here with a W no matter what”
This Adam Gase offense is wild. Bold call to just hand it to the opposition to finish off the comeback.
Baltimore Ravens 9, Cleveland Browns 12
Denzel Ward keeps making the Browns front office look like geniuses for grabbing him at 4. That alone should put him in the MVP discussion.
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It’s Week 5 and Juice already broke the record for most receptions through the first five years of a career. 11 more weeks? That’s at least 110 more catches for 427 additional yards.
Baker Mayfield is the TRUTH.
THE BROWNS HAVE TWO (2) WINS. HUE JACKSON MIGHT KNOW THIS. THAT OR HE WAS CALLING FOR A TWO POINT CONVERSION ON THE FIELD GOAL. TRULY NEXT LEVEL THINKING AND INNOVATION FROM THE OL’ BALL COACH.
The heiress to the Cinnamon Toast Crunch throne never lost faith.
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It’s great that the Browns have two wins and have finally won on a Sunday but man, it really feels like they could be undefeated, which would be alright I guess. But what really stinks is that they could have THREE (3) legitimate ties right now and be sitting at 1-1-3, which would be objectively the best record in the history of the Cleveland Browns. I think we’re all gonna look back on this season and be upset we didn’t get that gift.
Jacksonville Jaguars 14, Kansas City Chiefs 30
NFL coaches, they’re just like us.
Year of the Fullback is alive and well in Kansas City
This very same guy beat the Patriots by a thousand points less than 30 days ago.
This guy. This guy right here. Nearly won the AFC less than 365 days ago. This is the guy.
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Here’s my hot take: I enjoyed the Chiefs layup line interception celebration. There. That’s my take.
Ramsey was, and you’re not gonna believe this, talking all sorts of shit about Tyreek Hill coming into this game. Calling him a special teams player and whatnot. Let’s see how that matchup played out.
Running the ball. Certainly doesn’t count towards their matchup. Certainly makes Tyreek Hill a nightmare to try and stop.
Early clamps, so far so good.
Double coverage? For a special teams player? Huh.
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One order of freshly burnt toast, please.
Denver Broncos 16, New York Jets 34
“I came all this way dressed like this to lose to the goddamn Jets???”
I was still on the train coming back from Boston when this one kicked off. I can’t believe the Jets lost by 146 points according to KFC’s Twitter.
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77-yard TD run? That can’t be right.
Best rushing performance in Jets history? One of the best in NFL history? Impossible.
Take of the day goes to Joe Caporoso for trolling Giants fans and outright leaving out Barkley’s receiving yards or 100-yard-from-scrimmage streak.
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Barkley-Darnold is going to be a hilarious, constant debate in NY from now until the end of time. Especially during weeks the Giants lose and Darnold is throwing bombs like this.
But, to be fair, the Giants already have their QB of the future staring at them in the face.
Atlanta Falcons 17, Pittsburgh Steelers 41
If Danny Smith ever asks you for a piece of gum just lie and say you don’t have any because that dude will just take your whole pack and start chomping, wrappers and all.
Big Ben really a wild boy. Super Bowl Champ. Surefire lock for the Hall of Fame. Good for throwing one of the worst passes of all time every single week.
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I hope all Pittsburgh area hospitals took a mental note to make sure to keep James Conner FAR away from all delivery rooms from now until the end of time
Here’s Trill Withers’ Juli0 Jones Neat-O Touchdown Stat-O The Week
Oakland Raiders 10, LA Chargers 26
I’m going to say it every week until I’m dead and buried: I have no idea how Derwin James didn’t go first in the Draft.
The Raiders went full Seahawks and didn’t give Marshawn Lynch the ball on the 1-yard line. Much like the last time this happened, his QB threw the ball to the other team.
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Dallas Cowboys 16, Houston Texans 19
Real shame to see Dak’s face still not functioning properly after he got tuned up on Spring Break
Has to be some sort of record
SMASH THAT MF CIRCLE BUTTON, NUK