Shoo The Duckboats! Bruins Kick Off Cup Hopes With Embarrassing Shitshow Of A Performance Worthy Of Scorn And Ridicule
Holy shit, what a fucking disaster that was. The Bruins hadn’t been shut out in a season opener in 63 years but they did it big in D.C. last night, getting shitpumped by the banner-raising Caps 7-0 in a woeful effort worthy of the wretched pooh bear jersey.
“You can find me under ‘Bears’ on GRINDR.”
Right from the jump, the adrenalized Washington Capitals took it to the Bs and had a 2-0 lead before the crowd sipped its first overpriced beer. Star center Nicklas Backstrom found a wide-open T.J. Oshie below the left circle and he beat Tuukka Rask stickside with a one-timer just 24 ticks in. Just 1:23 later, playoff stud with a rightful claim to the Conn Smythe Evgeny Kuznetsov corralled a post-faceoff bouncing puck in front of Rask and beat the goalie to his right after he fanned on the puck. “A rough start,” said Captain Obvious.
The Bs actually managed to keep the Caps off the board for the remaining 18:13 thanks only to several big saves by Rask (if you want to blame him for the 2-0 hole, then you also need to acknowledge he kept it from being 6-0 after one). The Bruins only got a couple of quality scoring chances and Jake DeBrusk did beat Braden Holtby only to catch iron.
Over a 3:11 span in the second, Washington effectively put a bow on it. The Caps scored thrice, sandwiching an even-strength goal between two power play tallies to finally chase a bad Rask. The fifth goal, Kuznetsov’s second of the game, was one of the uglier goals Rask has given up as he looked like his mind was elsewhere. He couldn’t come up with a stop when the Bs needed one and was beaten five times on just 19 shots, with four of the five goals coming on his stick side. (Tuukka, to steal a line from that awesome song about about a dance floor boner that’s probably no longer appropriate to listen to, you’re making it hard for me. But I ain’t talking about my wrench.)
John Carlson’s absolute bomb beat Jaroslav Halak during a 5-on-3 to make it 6-0 after two (the Caps went a gaudy 4-for-6 on the PP). Per the scoresheet, the Bs had six shots in the middle stanza but I can barely recall one.
Halfway through the third, Lars Eller did his Jan Stenerud imitation to make it 7-0 on a partial breakaway and then the fireworks really began. (Oddly enough, Eller and Halak were traded for one another eight years ago).
Eller decided a reprise of his hand-wiggling goal celly was in order on his way back to the Caps bench…while he was in front of the Bruins bench. After a goal that made it 7-0.
As the audio makes clear, former players Eddie Olczyk and Brian Boucher both understood why that might needle the opposition. Needless to say, Brad Marchand took exception. And then Brad Marchand did Brad Marchand things, jumping Eller like he was on a 1970s NYC subway and beating the bag out of him. Eller did stick up for himself and earned a fighting major; Marchy got a deuce (instigator), a fin (fighting), and 10 (misconduct). I wouldn’t be surprised if the genesis of this beef goes back to Eller’s days in Montreal when he and Marchand battled in heated playoff series.
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Eller will probably pick his celly spots a little better next time but Marchand still could’ve given him a more gentlemanly offer to do-si-do. But then, he wouldn’t be Marchand. Either way, it’s hockey. This shit happens and that’s what penalties and discipline are for. We don’t need to say a fucking novena or clutch pearls over it. Eller is fine save for a few stitches. No harm, no foul.
Braden Holtby continued his now-six year ownage of the Bruins with yet another shutout and this was probably one of his easier ones. Of the 10 shots the Bruins had in the third, few if any were high-danger shots. If there was one positive for the Bs, it was the play of Halak (I also liked what I saw from John Moore). Halak gave up two goals on 18 shots and made a few highlight reel saves including this one.
The good thing is the Bruins can forget about last night’s shitshow of a disaster as they are right back at it tonight in Buffalo with Halak in net for another team’s home opener at 7PM (there definitely will not be a banner raising tonight). Their play can only go up.
A final word about the Bruins performance…