21) My Conservative Mother-In-Law Learned About Gender Fluidity, Identity, And Vulvas At Sunday School

Yesterday might have been one of the best days of my life. You see, my mother in law is in town because today is my youngest daughter’s birthday. She came to visit for the weekend and to go to my kid’s birthday party. All in all, it was a pretty good time. I give my mother in law shit on the blog because of her diarrhea and this time, because of her constipation which was short-lived. Although I dont have ANYTHING in common with her, I can admit that she’s a really good grandma. That doesn’t mean she isnt crazy as hell. Let me be clear; she’s crazy as hell.

Anyway, my wife and I go to a pretty open church. It’s essentially a hippy church. Whatever you wanna do, do it. You’re gay? Cool. Transgendered? Yep. You’re welcome too. Muslim? Come on in. Everything. Anyone. No real judgment at all.

This week, we were talking about transgendered people. When we arrive at the class, my wife and I do a little chitchat with our friends. We catch up on the week and talk about Saturday’s birthday party. Cosmic mini golf was a big hit, needless to say.

When the leader of the class starts, she tells us what we will be going over for the day. We usually start the class by each person sharing something about their week for about 2 minutes. The instructions this week were different. We had to start by saying the pronouns that we use to describe ourselves. For example, I’m Chaps. I use he/his/him. In all honesty, it feels p weird doing that but if it makes some people feel more comfortable, I’m down. I’m a fella, fellas.

When we got those instructions, my mother in law said, “What? I’m a woman. She and everything else like that. I’m also a Christin so I don’t believe in none of this weird kinda stuff.”

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Fair point.

Everyone else goes around in the circle and nothing unusual happens.

The leader then puts these large pieces of paper up on the wall and begins to hand out words or phrases that we will match to the large pieces of paper which define terms like gender identity, sexual orientation, gender expression and shit like that.

In addition to the large papers, we all receive cards with different phrases on them. The first card that gets passed to my mother in law is a big one. Now, the cards are all slid to where the words are faced-down so you have to flip it over to see the word. The word that my mother in law got?

As soon as she flipped it over, she screams out “OH MY WORD! GOD IN HEAVEN! MERCY TO HIS NAME!” You see, her reaction was because the vulva is basically the entire pussy. Lips and whatnot. It caught her off guard because she doesn’t use scientific words like that. I’d imagine she calls the vagina something like “privates” or “unmentionable.” Southern women don’t really talk about their pussies in my experience.

My wife and I are dying trying not to laugh. My mother-in-law regains her composure and we move on.

During the discussion portion of the class, someone says that people can struggle with gender identity because they were born with a large clit that they can turn into a dick. Not clitoris. Clit. Big ole clit talk. My mother-in-law was taken aback. “Jesus, we have wronged you,” she says under her breath. “Save our planet and our souls, Lord.” I think the planet remark was because someone was using a straw.

For the next 30 minutes, we all talk freely about the subject matter. My mother in law was silent. It’s like she was quietly going over various points of her life as a mother. Where did she go wrong? Did she parent her daughter the wrong way? How could a clit be so big that it turns into a cock?

So many questions. So few answers. Maybe we’ll get to some of those questions when she comes back for Christmas.