Watching This Guy Set A World Record By Beating Super Mario Bros. In Less Than 5 Minutes Made My Brain Hurt
Whenever I see one of these speed run videos, my stupid blogger brain cannot comprehend how these people do it. Excuse me, my stupid blogger brain cannot comprehend how these professional streamers do it. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of vigilante blogger Clickbait Smits by saying “these people”.
Anyway, watching that video is like watching Neo navigate through the Matrix while seeing it all in code. I’ll occasionally fire up some old school Mario games to remind myself of a time where my life wasn’t a repetitive Groundhog Day ruled by bills, kids waking up in the middle of the night, and a 500 pound boulder that says “Mortgage” chained around my neck for the next 25 years. But even though I have played those Mario games a million times, I am still pussyfooting around every pit and piranha plant before ultimately coming up welllll short of Bowser.
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Meanwhile this virtual prodigy is throwing Mario over obstacles that he is clearing by his long hairs (Mario is notorious in the Mushroom Kingdom for going au natural and letting the bush grow) while revealing every Extra Life, hidden passage through bricks (which I didn’t even know was a thing), and beanstalk just to show off. I also had no idea you could end a level without actually sliding down the flag pole. What type of sorcery is this?
People go their whole lives without even sniffing World 8, mainly because they suck and/or don’t know about the Warp Zones. But this guy beat the entire game in less than 5 minutes. You can’t even get in a full 7 Minute Abs™ workout in that time. This guy should get an Olympic medal for pulling this off. Setting the World Record in Mario Bros. is more impressive to me than 90% of the events in the Olympics. And that’s coming from a guy that never sniffed the National let alone the Presidential Physical Fitness patch in gym. Regardless, is truly a wonderful time for 80s and 90s kids around the world after seeing a guy set the Super Mario Bros. world record exactly one week after Seth Rogen blew the internet’s mind by revealing the Player 2 controller controlled the ducks in Duck Hunt.