Donnie’s Guide To Trans-Planet Flights
When I told people I was headed back to China in a few days most of them reacted the same way. Eyes wide, jaw dropped: “How long is that flight???”
“Approximately 14-16 hours depending on where on the east coast you leave from” I replied.
“Duuudeee, how do you survive that?”
Welp, I’m safely settled back in my Shanghai apartment, and you know what, the whole trip felt less cumbersome than my average NYC-Boston Amtrak journey. Want to know how I traverse the earth so effortlessly? Here’s how.
First off, when possible, I try to pull an all nighter the night before my flight. When you fly out on a Saturday or Sunday, this isn’t tough to do. Just need to hit up an after-party once the bars/clubs close. Then find some degenerates who are trying to go to an after-after-party. The first leg of my journey left from Logan airport at 11:15 AM Saturday morning so I saw it as an opportunity to soak in all the nightlife Boston has to offer. After hitting up a couple dive bars we made our way to a club (which I’ve found in Boston, always consist of 80% Europeans #FunFact). Once last call hit I heard rumblings of an afterparty at “The Pool House” in Southie. All of my luggage was already at a friend’s place in Southie so I was all in for this game plan. Keep in mind though, when people were saying “The Pool House”, I thought they meant some guy who had a pool table in his basement, which would have been cool enough for me. But nope, turns out the house we went to had a legit pool in his basement.
I’ve been going out in Boston for years and to say this was the most pleasant of pleasant surprises I’ve ever been surprised with would be an understatement. Apparently “The Pool House” is a bit of legend in Southie lore but seeing as I spend most of my time in China I was out of the loop. Needless to say I had to go #HippoMode and even had the pleasure of punching a giant inflatable duck in the face (#FuckTheDucks).
After getting dried off I found some fellow revelers who also had no intention of going to bed before 8AM. At 8:15 I said farewell, picked up my bags at my buddy’s place, took off my underwear, threw on a fresh pair of Barstool quilted sweat pants (#AD),
and headed to the airport. When you know you’ll be spending more than three hours on an airplane, I’ve found that freeballing is really the only way to go. The TSA employees overlooked my disheveled appearance and let me through with no questions asked. I looked forward to being the first man to smuggle a JUUL into a China where I would then hand it over to the nearest factory so they could begin production on knock-off versions( don’t quote me on that). Despite a muslim airport employee telling me there was no bar in the terminal
I found a place for a pre-flight terminal soda (once again, have zero problem with muslims, just love my #termies). The first leg of my flight was to Atlanta. I slept the entire time due to my aforementioned lack of sleep the previous night. In Atlanta I had about 30 minutes to spare before my connecting 15.5 hour flight to Shanghai. I panicked knowing it would be the last opportunity I would have to eat at many shitty American fast food chains so I ordered an Arby’s smokehouse brisket sandwich (surprisingly VERY good)
Panda Express Rangoons (unsurprisingly VERY bad, they only have cream cheese in them, NO FAKE CRAB)
and a Qdoba Steak Quesadilla (unsurprisingly VERY unnecessary, I was already full)
and then headed down the gangway to my Boeing 777 that would whisk me away to the Orient. If you’re wondering what path a plane takes from Atlanta to Shanghai here ya go.
Hopefully this shuts up B.O.B and the rest of the flat-earth truthers. However, If we someday find out the world is actually flat I guess I just got ripped off.
Now here are two important pre-flight notes that I’m sure you already know:
1. Always get a window seat for long flights. Much easier to lean against the window to sleep than stranger’s shoulder.
2. Empty your bladder before take-off. When you have a window seat it is a HASSLE forcing your other two row-mates to get out of their seats so you can run to the lavatory.
Ok so you’re now you’re comfortably situated in your seat with a liquid-less bladder. Let’s get to phase 2 of pre-fight preparations.
1. Take off your shoes. I actually take off my shoes for any flight longer than 1.5 hours and I encourage you to do the same. Don’t worry about the smell, the air circulation system may make it someone’s problem 10 rows back but you won’t be getting any disgusted looks within your general vicinity.
2. Take a half a xanax (or a full one depending on your tolerance and the dosage). Normally, I would never promote Xanax on the blog (RIP Lil Peep) but when it comes to 10+ hour flights that shit is a Godsend. Also, pretty sure Travis Scott and Drake have a hit single these days where he raps “I just popped a Xan, 13 hours till I land. Had me out like a light swtich.” Drake’s platform is a million times bigger than mine so if he’s gonna make Xanax on planes seem cool what harm will this paragraph do. I still can’t believe Coley Mick won’t just hop on the Xan-train instead of hopping on a literal train from Boston to Atlanta but I’m not gonna judge. They say dying in a plane crash or dying by shark attack are less probable then getting hit by a meteor but a guy just got killed by a Shark in Cape Cod (#RIP) so if you want to continue to live in fear go ahead.
Alright so then the plane takes off, which means the flight-attendants will soon begin making their rounds with the beverage cart. IMPORTANT NOTE: on all international flights, booze is complimentary, or at the very least beer and wine is. My go-to order on this specific flight was a glass of red wine, a cup of water (gotta stay hydrated), and a ginger ale on the rocks (I love ginger ale more than Fanta. It’s true). After crushing this power trio the xanax and red wine will probably start telling you to go to sleep but RESIST. It’s important to stay awake until the first meal comes by. In the meantime I suggest watching one of the hundreds of movies and TV shows you have available to chose from on your personal entertainment screen. I went with “Pacific Rim: Uprising”. SPOILER ALERT: There’s a scene in that movie where Charlie Day has cyber sex with an Alien brain. #WhoaThatsWeird.
Once you get that first meal in your gullet you are clear to ZONK the fuck out.
The last 13 hours of the flight are kinda of a blur this is what I know happened
1. I slept for a solid 10 hours.
2. I ordered three more rounds of Red Wine, Water, Ginger Ale.
3. I took the other half of Xanax.
4. I watched half of “The Isle of Dogs”. Great flick. The “Isle of Goons” video we made is way funnier after having seen it. Props to @JeffDlowe on the direction.
5. I NEVER got out of my seat ONCE. Now this I definitely don’t recommend. There is something called “economy class syndrome” where you can potentially die from a blood clot if you never move from your seat on long flights.
However, knowing this was a thing, every time I’d briefly wake up from my slumber, I would do series of pelvic thrust exercises (see below video), to make sure I didn’t go out in this very anti-climactic manner. Imagine dying from “economy class syndrome?” My legacy would never recover. Still, I deemed doing these in-seat aerobics as a better alternative than having to ask both my row-mates to get out of their seat so I could take a power walk around the cabin.
Next thing you know. BOOM. I’m cruising through Chinese Immigration (don’t get why they STILL let me into this country), and in a taxi on the way to my comfy bed.
The entire ordeal from Boston to Shanghai probably took around 22 hours, but to me it felt like 2.2 hours. And that’s the sure sign of a successful trans-planet journey.
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