I Think I Might Have Inadvertently Cucked Dave Portnoy

I’m not telling you anything you don’t know when I admit I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m secure enough in my rather limited masculinity to say that I’m in love with love. I root for all my friends of every orientation to find their perfect match. I’ve officially performed two wedding ceremonies, am scheduled to do another in the spring, unofficially officiated another where a couple renewed their vows on their anniversary and emceed two others. (One was ceremony with a Star Wars-theme and you haven’t lived til you’ve heard my “Love is never boastful” reading done entirely in Yoda and Obi Wan quotes. I am not making that up.) I get emotional at love songs, particularly Broadway ones. And I’m not ashamed to admit I sob real tears every time I see a half-blind Rocky crying out for Adrian because all he cares about in his great moment is his love for her.

So like all of you, I’ve been reduced to a big ball of sentimental goo watching my boss Dave romance his Internet crush Laura Wagner these past months. This quote from him tugged at my heartstrings more than any Shakespeare sonnet or anything Walt Whitman penned in “Leaves of Grass”:

“Well her non stop attack on me and Barstool didn’t cause me to hate her or sink to her level with personal insults.  Instead it led me to do quite the opposite.  I had a George Costanza moment. Yes I fell in love with her.  Because any woman who hates me this much only comes around once in a lifetime.  However I still only respond to her when she attacks me and not vice versa. She calls me a sociopath? I say I want to kiss her.  She says I am a sniffly raisin?  I ask her out on a Valentines Date.  And the dance of seduction continues.  Now most unbiased observers would say she is actually the one harassing me and I should press charges. But I choose to kill her with kindness. To me it’s just two kids on the playground who have a crush on each other.”

Chills. Absolute chills. I am biting my lower lip and going “Aww” as I reread it. If you were here right now you’d see the goosebumps on my arm. I want nothing but the best for these two beautiful kids. And not just because I go back longer with Dave than anyone at Barstool. But because seeing people find their soul mate makes me happy, period.

So it’s important that I come right out in the open and reveal what happened earlier in the week. I actually didn’t even notice it until all the stuff about the Clown College graduate happened over the last couple of days. But it seems Dave’s crush Twitter flirted with me.

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Earlier in the week I did a radio hit on NPR. They had me on to talk about Josh Gordon. Because they know the best Patriots voice in the land when they hear it. It was a short segment but it was a nice chance to promote the brand to a different audience. And I appreciated both the invitation and Dave and Erika signing off on it. What I wasn’t counting on was this:

Well! Look, I’m only flesh and blood and as susceptible to the blandishments of a woman as much as the next guy. But I’m not looking to blow up my work friend’s spot. I mean, I’m flattered, for sure. But there’s nothing lower than a guy swooping in on his buddy. If I didn’t make this public, it would look like I’m pulling an Andrew Lincoln, showing up to Keira Knightly’s house in Love, Actually. And that is not what’s going on here. I want to be clear I only have eyes for my beguiling Irish Rose. And we haven’t made it to 25 years (this coming Tuesday) by falling for every struggling writer who makes cyber-eyes at me.

Of course I don’t blame anyone. Some women just have that natural attraction to a Silver Fox:

Grrrrowl! And some women just don’t appreciate the satire of mocking other women who throw their professional lives away in order to have clumsy sex with their students. Most do, Laura clearly doesn’t. And while her style of hatred and attacks might do it for some guys, it simply doesn’t for me. Plus I am emotionally unavailable, so no sale. I just don’t want Dave or anyone else to hear it through the grapevine that Laura Wags and I are carrying on behind his back because that is the furthest thing from my mind. I am rooting more than anyone for their love story and not looking to cuck anyone. Best of luck to you both for a happy life together.