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The Greatest Love Story Ever Told Was Born Through The Tragedy Of A Hurricane


FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — As the floodwaters roared around him chest-deep Tuesday, Patrick Wolvin waded out in search of cigarettes.

“My wife’s sitting on the porch with a shotgun right now,” he said. “Have you ever seen a woman who smokes when she’s out of cigarettes?”

Compared to that, Hurricane Florence and its aftermath never stood a chance.

So Wolvin sloshed a mile and a half through the waters of the overgrown Little River from his home in Spring Lake near Fort Bragg, past the floating cars, the submerged Starlite Motel and the swamped Sunoco gas station, to the nearest shopping center. A crowd gathered to watch as he emerged in a soaked pair of shorts and a Jeff Gordon T-shirt.

“We were told we needed to leave, but I got dogs,” he said. “We already got people running around stealing scrap. I stayed to protect my stuff and my landlord’s stuff. I got a boat, but honestly I don’t want to test it if I don’t have to.”

About a half-hour later, Wolvin trudged back into the water, a plastic bag crammed with Camels and Marlboro Lights in hand for the slog home.


“My wife’s happy,” he said. “I do love her.”

I’m literally melting, fellas. All I can imagine is our friend here getting home with a bag filled with cigarettes and some treats. The bag, his clothing, and his brow are all dripping wet because of the flood waters. You know what else is dripping wet? That’s right. It’s his wife’s vagina. She’s been sitting on that couch for hours and thinking about putting her mouth on something and puff puff puffing until her heart is content and she’s reached a full blown orgasm. Now she has those two things at the tip of her lips. (which lips? nice.)

I dont blame her for wanting to suck a little dick, either. I mean, your fella goes to that effort for you? Romantic. Your fella goes to that effort for you while wearing a Jeff Gordon T-shirt and it’s a TKO due to wetness for your panties. I dont care if you’re wearing boy shorts or a thong. The pussy part is gonna be absolutely wrecked with those fluids that leave a little bit of a stain. It’ll come out in the wash. It’s natural. Natural lube. Pretty cool.

Also, you know these people fuck like rabbits. Camels? My god. That is just a sign that things get N-A-S-T-Y in that bedroom. They are probably using toys that I’ve never ever heard of. I bet they are doing stuff that would make me blush. I bet they watch the kinda porn that you gotta pay for. When they are done fucking, they are smoking. Blow cigs and dicks: that’s the hurricane life and it is divine when she’s feeling fine.