27) The Top 10 People Most Likely To Try And Burn Down My Apartment
So as you can see, last night my apartment almost burned down. There I was eating sushi, minding my own business, actually I was sipping on a Miso soup because it was chilly in my apartment, and then next thing I knew I heard a loud BOOM! and the bathroom lights, which were on because I hate the environment, were now suddenly off. Perplexing!
So I walked over and looked at it. The switch was still in the “on” position, but nothing was working. I walked over to the circuit breaker and flipped the toggled switch off, and then back on. “That’ll do it!” I thought to myself, proud as could be that I knew what a circuit breaker was. So I walked back over to the light switch, gave it a taperoo, and my hand almost got blown up right off my body. “Holy moly!” I exclaimed to exactly nobody because I live alone and will die alone.
Advertisement
So I did what any normal, well-adjusted person would do- flicked the switch back off, pulled out my phone, and took a recording of it so I could post it on Twitter and Instagram. I mean, if my house is going to burn down, I better at least get the engagement out of it. So I took the above video, almost died again, and then realized “oh shit, nothing in my apartment is working at all anymore”. My AC was off, my WiFi was off, cable was off, my fridge and freezer, both off. Not great!
So I fired up a Nate at Night, and stoolies tried to help me through the process. You can watch it here, but to summarize, it was unsuccessful!
So then this morning an electrician came and fixed some wires for an hour, and now here I am. Alive and well.
But with questions.
Who tried to burn me alive in my apartment? Their plan failed, but someone tried to kill me and play it off as an electrical problem. I have compiled a list of 10 suspects, in no order:
.
.
Young Pageviews
At some point YP might go over the deep end. I talk all the time about how much he sucks at holding a camera, how he just giggles and talks over everything he films, and how much Stool Scenes stinks in general. But the thing is, he clearly can’t take me physically, as you see above, so he could conceivably draw up some sort of mastermind plan to blow me up when I least expect it. But at the same time, he enjoys the persona of being a lover and not a fighter, and we both have soft spots in our hearts for each other. So I don’t think it was YP.
Odds: 12:1
.
Tyler I Am Withers
I have southern roots. I grow facial hair. And I’ve been wearing flat brimmed hats, slightly tilted to the side. Does Tyler feel threatened that I’m becoming the new black guy in the office? It’s entirely possible. And he just happened to be in town this week, and left this afternoon, after the plan was executed. It’s all very interesting, huh? Do I think it was him though? I don’t, because you can check the Twitter timeline and at no point has he been off Twitter long enough to pull off such a plan.
Odds: 20:1
.
Erika Nardini
Advertisement
Everyone knows I’m second in command at Barstool. She can sense me nipping at her heels. I could wait her out…or she could take me out first. Without me, her job is safe for 5 more years. With me in the picture, her days are numbered. Plus, she’s smart enough and knows enough people to realistically wire my apartment. I’m woke, Nardini. I’m wide awoke.
Odds: 8:1
.
Nice Guy Trent
I’ve seen plenty of movies and read a couple books 10 years ago, so I know it’s always the guy you least expect. All you hear about is what a nice guy Trent is. Wouldn’t harm a fly this, good ol’ country boy that. But everyone has a dark side. Nobody would expect Trent to murder me, which is why it’s very, very possible he tried to murder me. I don’t know his motive, but I’m sure he has one. Oh man, am I sure he has one. But on the other hand, even if he wanted to kill me, I don’t think he would. It’s Trent! Or is that what he wants me to think? Now I’m all in jumble.
Odds: ???????
.
Katie Nolan
Back when Katie Nolan had a job and I had hair, she was the judge of a Barstool dog show. She HATED me. Legit hated me. Actually, let me rephrase that- she thought it would be cool to hate me, and she thought our readers would be like “oh my god, Katie Nolan is so cool, she was mean to Nate”, and it backfired on her big time. Stoolies had my back and man, Katie got it bad from them. Me and her kinda hashed it out, no hard feelings or what have you, but I’ve watched enough Law and Order to know nothing is really ever over. Since the Dog Show, Katie has bounced around from job to job, and now she gets paid $1 million a year to have “I work at ESPN” in her Twitter bio. Not a bad gig…which is why I don’t think it was her. Nobody who gets paid that much money to do so little would even think about me. Just not worth her time, even if my boss did call her the Andrew Luck of sports media. She’s definitely a wild card, but I don’t think she cares enough.
Odds: 25:1
.
Smitty
There are a billion reasons why Smitty would try to kill me. Maybe a trillion. I don’t even know where to begin. I could list them out but I don’t have all day. So the question is- would he wire my bathroom to blow me up into tiny pieces? That’s hard to say. On one hand, absolutely yes. He is the master at blockhead spin-zone, and in his brain he would be like “I didn’t kill him, the bathroom killed that shrimpdick Gollumtits”. On the other hand, absolutely no. If Smitty actually wanted to kill me, he would have done it in real life with his bare hands a long time ago like a true hardo. He’s not the type to rig up some sort of apartment bomb.
Odds: 16:1
.
Riggs
Advertisement
Samuel Riggenstein: Friend of the police.
Friend of the troops.
But not friends with Tiger Woods!!!!
Ever since I met and chatted with my pal Tiger, Riggs has never looked at me the same. He’s obsessed with Tiger, and I just casually met him on a night out in Vegas, no big deal. Wouldn’t shock me if Riggs has been planning my demise ever since that day. Plus, he’s always really nice to me, asking questions like “hey so how’s your apartment?”, “just a rough estimate, how many square feet would you say your bathroom is?”, and “curious, would you say you have a square d homeline 15-amp 1-pole standard trip circuit breaker?” Just friendly questions like that.
Odds: 5:1
So if there was anyone inside the office who tried to kill me, my money is on Riggs. Everything adds up, plus he went to Harvard so he knows a lot of smart people who could do this for him.
I do have three wild cards though, from outside of the office:
.
OAR
Advertisement
After the success of OAR doing Nate at Night, I’ve brought in other bands like Dispatch and Shinedown and they got super jealous. To the point they brought me on stage at their show just to try to “claim” me as theirs. I felt like the prettiest girl at the prom, with all these popular guys pining for my attention. But then last night happened. The timing is very, very suspect, with the new Nate at Night dropping today. It seems OAR never wanted that video to ever see the light of day. If I’m not around, Nate at Night discontinues, and they don’t have to see me skipping around town with other bands. A crime of passion, if you will.
Odds: 13:1
.
That Father of 3 Who Slapped Me At The Caps vs Lightning Game
This was a great one. The Caps were a minute away from beating the Lightning in game 7, and I was on my feet clapping and cheering, as a fan does. Well the father of 3 with a lightbulb necklace on was none too happy with the outcome of the sporting match, so he walked on down those stands and ruffled my hat right off my head. All in front of his family.
To be honest, he probably wants to kill me because he knocked my hat off my head and exposed himself to a very greasy head of hair (Tampa is humid!) and a very bald head of hair at the same time (I’m old and gross!) That combo has likely been haunting him and his children since that day. There’s not enough therapy in the world that can make trying to fight an adult at a hockey game in front of your kids go away. So killing me might be his only option.
Odds: 4:1
.
Canadian Elvis
This guy Canadian Elvis sat in the row ahead of me at Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals, which the Golden Knights won. After the game, he goaded me into betting him $100 at 100:1 that the Caps would win in 5. I tried not to bet it, but he mocked me until I did. The Caps ended up winning in 5, and he still has yet to pay me my $10,000. He has DM’d me saying he’s a man and a man pays his bets, but he ignores my DMs and seemingly will never pay. I want the full $10k, but would be willing to settle for less. But maybe he just wants to kill me so he gets “guy who doesn’t pay up on bets” off his conscious. Can’t pay if I’m dead. He has a great reason to kill me, but he could also just keep on not paying up, he doesn’t have to murder me to do that. He’s crazy, but not that crazy.
Advertisement
Odds: 10:1
.
So there you have it. Who blew up my apartment last night? It was either Riggs, or the Lightning fan from game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals.