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Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher

SSTSSTa

TexasA now former Texas educator, charged on two counts of sexual misconduct, appeared in a Houston courtroom Monday after admitting she lost her virginity to her alleged 15-year-old male victim, say police.

Last week, Hannah Parisa Siboyeh, 24, was arrested and charged with one count of sexual assault of a child and one count of improper relationship between an educator and a student. …

After leaving the courtroom with her attorney, KTRK captured Siboyeh breaking down into tears.

In April, police opened an investigation when a Labay Middle School assistant principal reported the suspected case of improper relationship. Previously, a student tipped off the administrator to the purported relationship between Siboyeh and the 15-year-old boy, according to the Houston Chronicle. Apparently, the tipster was visiting the boy’s house and saw the alleged victim and Siboyeh in bed together, also telling police that “weird noises” came from the bedroom. The anonymous informant said Siboyeh and the 15-year-old posted photos of each other on Snapchat. …

Investigators spoke to additional witnesses during the investigation. They described Siboyeh and the boy’s relationship as “boyfriend and girlfriend,” according to the Houston newspaper. During a police interview, Siboyeh reportedly cried and confessed to losing her virginity to the 15-year-old during the summer of 2017. She admitted the two had sex at the boy’s house, at a local park, and in a Houston motel. The probable cause document showed the accused said she loved the teen “with all her heart.”

You know, more and more in this crazy, mixed-up world, people scoff at the concept of virginity as old fashioned. An outdated, antiquated notion left over from the days when women were expected to be chaste and “pure” until marriage. A relic of the past from the days when young ladies had to pass a “virginity test” to marry royalty. Something that only exists today in backwards countries run by theologies that oppress women.

And while I agree that it’s a personal choice, I think we should still have respect for anyone, male or female, who sees their virginity as something sacred to them. Be they Tim Tebow or some high school teacher from Texas. There’s no shame in wanting to hold onto it as a gift to give to that special someone. Be they your fiance, your spouse on your wedding night, or some 15-year-old you teach in parents’ house, a local park or a Houston motel. So call me old fashioned if you must. I just still hold onto the romantic idea that it’s most special when you give it up for the first time to someone you love. And for Hannah Parisa Siboyeh, her soulmate just happened to be a eight years younger than her and a high school sophomore.

The Grades:
Looks: SHE’S a virgin??? Who could’ve guessed?
Grade: C+

Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: When it comes to weirdo teacher stories, the great SST state of Texas has really been bringing it lately. Over the weekend we had that lunatic who was stalking a fifth grader, and now Hannah Siboyeh. Hannah has done nothing less than make Sex Scandal Teacher History by being the first one to ever admit allowing her student to swipe her V-card. Make that, insert her V-card chip into the reader. Got to keep up with the times. Obviously it’s gone in the other direction most of the time. Such is the nature of the beast. But she’s broken brand new ground. Plus we’ve got all the sex in all these different locations, Snapchat sex, getting caught in bed with the kid and the “weird noises,” so she’s a fast learner. And a confession to put a bow on everything. It’s unheard of for someone so sexually deviant that she’ll sail through college still a Virgo. But like I alluded to earlier, her looks sort of explains that.
Grade: A

Intangibles: I can’t help imagining that when she finally lost it to this kid, she did this:

I just believe every adult virgin should. Next to Step Brother’s “Sailboat Treehouse” scene, it’s maybe my favorite comedy movie ending of the 2000s. Just a great punchline for a great movie. But there’s no indication she did. So I can only give her a:
Grade: B

Overall: C.

Do you have someone you want to see graded? Tweet her to me @jerrythornton1 or email me at jerry@barstoolsports.com. Your service to the betterment of mankind will be its own reward.