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Friday Homestretch/AFTP

Afternoon, guys.

Markets lower across the board after Trump said that a further $267 billion in tariffs are set to be imposed against China, a move that has rattled investors hoping for a detente between Beijing and Washington.

Tesla down around 7% after another executive within the company jumps ship, and Musk pretends to inhale on a podcast.

NKE down small, still not able to recover fully from the dip after all that Kap nonsense earlier this week.  I just wish the stock was hit harder, because this is not enough of a discount for me to even think about loading up.

Been down in Dallas past couple days, and as the weather breaks up North, I can tell you it is still Africa-hot down here… I have sweated through 5 shirts in 2 days.  As far as the conference is concerned, the panels they have hosted on gaming and cannabis have been very well attended.  This shouldn’t be a news flash, but finance guys love pot and betting.

I was deeply saddened by the news of Burt Reynolds’ passing yesterday, but I am happy that Rear Admiral came out of the fucking clouds to eulogize him perfectly in a blog I am going to attach here…

I don’t have much to add, except the word “legend” gets thrown around a lot in modern pop culture, but before you bestow that moniker on another tatted-face mumble rapper, know that Burt Reynolds was married twice, AND had long term relationships with both Sally Field and Dinah Shore.  But throughout all that, Burt only had 1 child… And that child was adopted.  This was all because Reynolds felt strongly that a woman’s vagina was precious, and not something that should be ruined through childbirth.

Burt and LoniI totally made up that last part about the vaginas, but rest in peace, Bandit, regardless.

ASS FROM THE PAST

I am down in Texas this week, so it is only fitting to dedicate this AFTP to the Lone Star State.

After much deliberation, I felt the most respectful candidate is a not-so-young, former porn actress named Houston… Even though the Long Beach, CA native has nothing to do with Texas outside of her name and affinity for fucking in boots.

HoustonOof!

I do not find her attractive in the least, but I want to honor her for 4 reasons that are not really “reasons,” inasmuch as they are tidbits about her life that I want everyone to know:

1) In a very Burt Reynolds-esque move, she was one of the first aging pornstars to have her labia surgically trimmed in order to improve her genital profile during close-up video work.  I assume that after the amount of traffic through her canal, it was like she had a wallet that was too big for her pocket.

wallet

2) In a subsequent online auction, Houston reportedly sold her labia for an estimated $50,000 according to a shady source called “Erotic Bid”.  I often think about what that person did with those labia scraps… I’d like to think he or she made the greatest dream catcher EVER.

16322.69471

3)  In a very Jerry Thornton-esque move, Houston once attended a high school prom with 18-year-old Staten Island student Brad Parascandolo.  The prom date initiated a relationship between Houston and Brad, and eventually the teenager moved to California with her for a couple years.  This all went down post-labia tuck, so Parascandola was dealing with fresh powder, if you know what I mean.

02-1n017-prom2-300x3001

4) Houston was the star of a very descriptively titled porn called The Worlds Biggest Gangbang 3: The Houston 620.  A movie where she reportedly beat her own record of 500, and had sex with a whopping 620 men without interruption.  I cannot confirm this feat, because I was only able to watch up until #352 before I passed out from regret, but I will take her word on the other 268.

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I won’t harp on this too much, but imagine what it felt like to be number 620?  The only thing I can think of is that it must’ve felt like being number 620 in a gangbang with 619 other men, because there is no other analogy for that scenario.

Have a good weekend, everyone… Take 620 reports.

-Large