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For The Sake Of Sanity, Philly Desperately Needs To Step Up Its Local Food Commercial Game

Working from home isn’t all peaches and cream. Sure, the Gilded Cage is great for naps and not having to put on pants for days, perhaps weeks, at a time, but it’s different compared to the real world. For instance, I am a slave now to daytime TV. Can’t stand being around my family whom I love but will unconsciously watch 5 straight Sportscenters, which I hate. All of which are exactly the same, of course. But the worst part of daytime TV are the commercials solely because of the redundancy.

Do you realize how many times I’ve almost called ITT Tech because I actually believe at this point they can improve anyone’s shitty life? Number is actually saved in the phone for that exact moment when needed. Feel like reaching out to Binder & Binder for no reason at all other than some super white guy in a cowboy hat is telling me he’d fight for my rights. After seeing that ad a solid 4 million times I still couldn’t tell you what they actually do. I would love to strangle with my bare hands and watch the life slip out of the eyes of the Satanists who created the 877-CASH-NOW jingle. Song gets stuck in your head and you’ve got at least 6 hours of pure torcher ahead of you. But living in Philly, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worse than when one of these local food ads swoop in to sit on your nuts. Happens at least 25 times a day. And it’s only going to get worse during Phillies games when that number doubles and you also WB Mason decides to make Geico look like it deserves the Nobel Prize for comedy.

Introducing the two biggest offenders: Steak Em Up and Not Just Pizza (NJP):

Don’t get me wrong, these commercials are old and dated. They were made 4+ years ago with references dating back even further (Budweiser Wasssuuuppp??? Are you fucking kidding me?????). These somehow aren’t even the worst Philly area commercials out there, but both establishments think it’s wise to keep on playing the same exact advertisement on loop during local programming today. Now, outside of being a raging alcoholic, I’m no Don Draper. Far from it for me to offer advertising expertise, but how in the hell is replaying the same shitty commercial from years ago good for business? This isn’t the Cadbury Bunny or the sweet, old racist man giving out PA lottery tickets as Christmas presents. You can’t keep dishing out the same happy crap.

Granted, both spots actually have decent food, but these ads serve the exact opposite purpose for which their intended. I avoid each place solely because I despise their commercials so much. Steak Em Up commercial is so South Philly it hurts. Already have to duck and dodge guidos enough going to games and at the bars. The last thing I’d like to do is have to avoid the overwhelming stench of cologne and a assumed fistfight when going to pick up a sandwich. And it’s shocking the FCC hasn’t weighed in on NJP putting the only black man featured in the commercial in a banana making him rap next to a gorilla. Actually quite impressive.

I beg of you, please make the torture stop. Each time one of these commercials come on it enrages thee so much it’s like a cigarette or an attempted intelligent conversation with the woman and takes 7 minutes off my life.

BONUS: Key Pizza is the only eatery in the known universe to willingly equate their food to diarrhea. Not even mad, I’m impressed.