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A Man Almost Gets Trampled To Death By An Elephant While Having A Picnic With His Daughter In Zimbabwe

Call me a pussy all you want, but I almost couldn’t get through this video. I always crack jokes saying that anxiety is a white mans (and women, sheesh!) disorder but this shit had my anxiety going through the roof, I couldn’t sit still watching it. Take a look at this:

Every kid in Zimbabwe is pretty much taught how to fend for themselves in the African wilderness, at an early age. We run through every possible scenario you could possibly encounter in everyday life. From what to do if a warthog corners you, to how to treat a snake bite (piss on the bite, incase anyone was wondering), every base is covered.

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It’s kinda in the same way y’all teach each other “old hockey tricks,” with an animal planet theme. For elephants, we are directed to stand your ground. What’s insane is if you do otherwise, there’s a high probability you’ll turn into a human pancake.

Hypothetically speaking if you were in the same situation this father and daughter were in, quick show of hands, who would hold their ground? I for sure wouldn’t, no fucking shot. I’d be shitting my pants so fucking bad I assume it would look like one of those water fountains in front of rich peoples houses:

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Knowing myself I’d probably move my little sausage legs so fast, look for the biggest tree to climb, and pray there isn’t a leopard waiting for me in the branches. Getting eaten alive by a leopard is a more noble way to go, than being trampled by an elephant and its not even close. Oh, and this thought process goes without saying as I am a black man.

When it comes down to it, this guy is a moron for multiple reasons. I get that seeing an elephant in the wild is cool and shit, but I can’t fathom finding a reason why you’d casually let it get that close to you. First of all the bush isn’t thick, so you can definitely see it coming. Newsflash: An elephant is enormous. For those that may not have seen one in real life, to put it in relatable terms, just its dick is bigger than I am. I am about 4”5 roughly 160lbs

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Not to mention the fact that his ass is probably in the jackpot, when his wife notices he had his daughter (I assume) right by his side.

To anyone that decides to go on a safari or hunt in Africa, make sure you grab an armed guide and don’t take your chances like this man. Trust me the Instagram clout isn’t worth it. If you really need a selfie with an elephant, take the 5 up to Bronx Zoo and grab one there. That being said this dude is so cool, calm and collected amongst wild animals, it kinda gives me a hard-on. Is that weird?