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In Case You Missed It - We Had An Emergency Horse Rescue/Longest Game In Cubs History Live Blog Last Night

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What the fuck. Today sucked. The internet sucked. I was hungover. Everything sucked. And now we have this? An emergency rescue because a horse got stuck upside down in a hole in California? Jesus Christ. When it rains it pours. Why god? Why now?


But, on the flip side, maybe we can save a horse tonight and start fresh? Maybe this was the clean slate we needed. We have to save this fucking horse. Save Simon (I already named him and got way too attached). We can’t have blood on our hands. Not today. Not now. I’m staying up until Simon is safe in his barn eating hay and carrots dreaming about running wild or getting jerked off by one of those weird horse vets with the big rubber gloves. *




*Or until the Cubs extra innings game ends. Whichever comes first.




UPDATE 12:02 AM CT – Victorville CA will not let them use their backhoe for the rescue. I have no idea if this is a good or bad thing but it’s a thing. Also the police keep switching scanners because they know we’re listening. Trying to stay one step ahead of the law.




CUBS UPDATE – Apparently this guy didn’t want to have sex tonight. Idiot.



HORSE UPDATE – Backhoe is now being called for but only the front loader. Big waste of time not having it on scene from the beginning. This better not be to pull a dead horse out of a hole.    

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HORSE UPDATE – The Fire rescue twitter tweeted out the phone number of the chief on scene, debating giving him a call to get the word.      

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HORSE UPDATE – SIMON IS OUT OF THE HOLE! I actually called the Public Relations Chief on scene. Like a legit reporter and everything. Said yes this is Big Cat from Barstool Sports and we’re covering the Horse Rescue. He seemed skeptical and a little scared but then said the horse is out and being evaluated by the vet. I think this makes me a real reporter now? Had the scoop before ABC news and everything.    

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CUBS UPDATE – Len and JD just sang the 14th inning stretch. I think we’ll look back in a decade and realize that was officially rock bottom.  

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HORSE UPDATE – Safe and sound. We saved a life tonight. Feels good, feels real good.  


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CUBS UPDATE (1:18 AM)- John Baker, our backup catcher, just pitched a scoreless 16th with a 76 mph fastball. Even shook off signs like a god damn boss. Don’t you dare tell John Baker what to throw.  

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CUBS UPDATE (1:35 AM) – CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN. Not only did John Baker score the winning run but he is the official winning pitcher as well. Have a night John! I just want to live forever. Now cue the god damn music!

GIF: Starlin Castro sac fly mercifully ends 6:27 game at 1:34 AM CT

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