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It Has Come To My Attention That People Are Putting Their Side Chicks In Their Contacts Under My Name

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Author’s note: the following is based on a true story. Some of the details have been changed to protect the deceitful relationships of the characters involved. 

A lot of my friends’ girlfriends don’t like me. They see me as a bad influence, a loose cannon who sews the seeds of corruption in the minds of their boyfriends. Their theory* is that the example I set– jet-setting, silver-tongued, gallivanting, playboy comedian– reminds their guys that we’re still young and capable of great mischief *(this is my theory about their theory). In reality, my friends are usually the ones who send our raft down a river of troubled waters. They have to rally me. On a given night, you’re far more likely to find me sinking into the cool cushions of my couch with a bowl of organic rainier cherries at hand than to find me blowing rails off my Citibike key fob in the DJ booth at a Baht Mitzvah I crashed. And when it comes to fidelity, I’m a proponent because the stakes are far higher as we round the bend into our thirties.

Which is why I was more than a little dismayed when I learned that one of my friends has been using me to camouflage his misbehavior. His girlfriend is one of those hyper-vigilant types who goes through his phone when he’s napping. Seems like she’s on to something because he’s one of those types who, uh, sends and receives nudes with random chicks behind his girlfriend’s back. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. He’s not actually a cheater; he just appreciates the female form, in the nude, like many of us.

Somehow, he had the idea that if he saved the contacts of these girls under my name, his girlfriend would never find out. The working hypothesis here was that his girlfriend wouldn’t delve into conversations between myself and him. But a couple nights ago, something caught her eye. The last text that “Francis Ellis cellllllll” sent him was “I’m so wet right now.” She opened the chat and saw a number of headless breasts, with responses from him like “I don’t know what’s harder, your nipples or me.” When the girlfriend confronted him about it, he quickly explained that his whacky comedian friend enjoyed sending him nudes of girls and playing the role of rebellious daughter. That I, with my off-beat ways, thought it was funny to talk about the humidity of my vagina after firing off a slew of nudes that I’d found on the internet. Because “he’s hopeless and lonely and bored, because he’s not in a steady, supportive relationship… like us.”

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It wasn’t the worst plan. I don’t give a shit if my friends want to throw me under the bus to get out of jail with their girlfriends. But next time, let me know ahead of time. That way, I can actually send the pictures and messages to make it more believable. If this dude has 4-5 variations of “Francis Ellis” contacts in his phone, I’d like to make sure there isn’t one thread where we’re simply discussing sports and beers, making the other threads look suspicious. Consistency is the key to the game. Plus, I’m fairly sure I’d enjoy talking dirty like a woman. So many more holes to describe.

She never did text me, sadly. I was prepared. I had a slew of dick pics to send her to make it seem like I’m a soup kitchen of nudes, with flavors for any taste. Charititties and dicknations for all.