Nicki Minaj's Buttcheeks Were Running Amuck At The VMAs

I’m not one to normally comment on the buttcheeks of a lady but I need to say something here. It’s not because Nicki’s bottom looks like an overstuffed chaise lounger, it’s because I’m hoping that buying a spin bike will give me a little help in the caboose.

For years, my ass has been lackadaisical. I hate it. I’ve done squats, deadlifts, thrusters, donkey kicks, monkey fuckers, downward-facing dogs (namaste), and on and on the list goes. If you follow me on Pinterest, you know know that I pin post after post after post after post about getting an ass that refuses to quit. I want my ass to say, “break it, Pepe Le Pew. I’m not gonna quit.”

My spin bike gets here tomorrow. In just a matter of what really amounts to mere hours, I will be on a virtual expedition through the mountains of the French countryside through the majesty of my iPad pro and a free app for spinning classes. I’ll be imagining the fine cheeses as the odor whisks through the air while I whip past vineyard after vineyard all the while keeping track of my pace, breath, and calories burned. I’ll want to stop and enjoy the scenery but my destination isn’t Bordeaux, France which, lest we forget, is the hub of the famed wine-growing region and a port city on the Garonne River in southwestern France. It’s known for its Gothic Cathédrale Saint-André, 18th- to 19th-century mansions and notable art museums such as the Musée des Beaux-Arts de Bordeaux. Public gardens line the curving river quays. The Grand Place de la Bourse, centered on the Three Graces fountain, overlooks the Miroir d’Eau reflecting pool. It’s as charming and quaint as it is grandiose and extravagant. Let me remind you once more that Bordeaux isn’t my destination; my destination is ass town. Population me, and my stationary spin bike is my Uber.

I’m coming for that ass, Nicki Minaj, but not to like touch it or nothin. I’m all set there.