eBay- I hate the Knicks. I love the Knicks, but I hate the Knicks. Die-hard New York Knicks fan. My childhood room is still filled with posters from the 90’s, the good ole glory days. And not just Ewing, LJ, Houston, I’m talking Rick Brunson NYK articles cut-out, laminated, and still in what is now basically a museum. Pictures of me at 13-years old with blue & orange colored braces, that’s a tough yearbook photo, and in a Knicks collared shirt to match nonetheless! After all the ups, downs, more downs, more downs, infinite downs, I have reached my absolute breaking point. As of this moment, my New York Knicks fan-hood is officially for sale. What is included in bidding on my new fan-hood? I will honor the team of your choosing and be a fan. What does that entail?
• Root for this team whole-heartly
• Bet $500 on their team total over wins, whatever it may be. Ensuring I root for them each and every game
• Buy the NBA package to watch every game
• Buy 2 different players jersey from the team
• Attend 1 Home Game of this team (obviously I have to cover flight and lodging as well)
• Attend 1 Away Game of this team (again, a full travel package)
• Throw out my awesome Knicks trash can, replacing it with the team of your choosing
• Burn no less than 3 articles of Knicks memorabilia
• Your teams license plate casing for my car
So I’ve seen this story floating around the last few days but never had a chance to blog it. To be honest, at first I hated it because stunts like this, buying billboards, or making GoFundMes are usually pretty lame and my idiot loyalty brain always gets upset when people jump in the life boats as I sit in my permanent seat on the Titanic. If I have to sink with this ship of misery, everyone does. The mass exodus of Knicks fans from Brooklyn converting to Nets fans triggered me a long time ago and I still haven’t recovered, even if it is still just one jumble of basketball misery in New York City.
But then I remembered that this is the chode that owns the Knicks.
Abandoning a sinking ship is one thing. Abandoning a sinking ship with a shitty captain that doesn’t care about his passengers is quite another. Being able to sell your fandom on the internet is the American dream and is the closest thing guys will get to selling their virginity. Actually it’s more like the NBA version of sponsoring a starving kid with flies on his eyeballs. For just a one-time payment of a few thousand dollars, you can make a real difference and save some poor schmuck’s life from the oppressive rule of James Dolan. If that isn’t a great cause, I don’t know what is. That line about hating the Knicks but loving them spoke to me, as well as the blue & orange braces and wayyyy too many sad examples of why he wants to leave that triggered me multiple times.
Why? If you care to read through 17 years of pain, here’s the why:
Let’s fast-forward through the glory years, the 1990’s, the Eastern Conference absolute battles, wars, Jeff Vandy Gundy clinging to Alonzo Mourning leg like a kid gips their Halloween candy, the Ewing finger roll, Reggie Miller’s 30-seconds, The Dunk, then the John Starks 2/18 Game 7 of the NBA Finals, the Allan Houston front rim-backback-and in, MJ quitting baseball to once again screw my Knicks, Charles Smith, so so much bad horrific Charles Smith, the Spreewell years, a revisit to the NBA Finals, no Ewing, getting swept by The Admiral and this new kid Tim Duncan in the Finals. Think about that, the last year I got to enjoy the Knicks 2000 — Tim Duncan was just a rookie. Tim Duncan played 19-years, 15-time All-Star, 2 MVPs, won 5 NBA Championships, along with 3 NBA Finals MVPs, and is now just 3 years away from the NBA Hall of Fame.
The Knicks in that span have had JVG resign, please come back, please! Ewing’s knees get shot and he retires :_( Extended Don Chaney after a 30-52 season. Have no cap space to do anything because we’ve gone all-in on Antonio McDyess, who is the only person to have worse knees than Patrick Ewing. Tried Lenny Wilkens as coach. Let the monstrosity, and that’s speaking nicely, of draft picks commence: Monty Williams, followed by 3 first rounders the next year — John Wallace, Walter McCarty, Dontae Jones, then future 1st rounders of, John Thomas and DeMarco Johnson. Over/under you know 1 of those players. Moving on … please no … Frederic Weis.
Then went the other side of the spectrum of coaching with Herb Williams. Hmm, let’s try out NBA Legendary players. How about Isiah Thomas? I worked at Madison Square Garden for 4 years turning this plague. James Dolan signed my below minim wage checks, and my team was getting blown out nightly with the “Fire Isiah” chants echoing through the perfect acoustics of The Garden’s iconic ceiling and out onto 7th Avenue. No matter how loud I tried to cheer, it was drowned out by waves of boos, and rightfully so. At least we had a guy named Starbury, who made a signature sneaker, and got a star tattoo’d into his head. After long enough, the chants were answered, and Isiah was fired, from coaching, but still to this day for some reason know only to Donnie Walsh, get to put his 2 cents in on bad decision making. Draft Michael Wright and Eric Chenowith, who? Then make a decent draft pick in Nene, but don’t hold on to him long enough to be good. Following year lotto pick Mike Sweetney, coupled with fellow draft mates Maciej Lampe & Slavko Vranes. Following year we hit in the 2nd round with Trevor Ariza, only to give him away to let all the other NBA teams enjoy him to this day. Let’s keep this going with Channing Frye, David Lee, and Dijon Thompson, the middle draftee whom we let win a NBA Championship, elsewhere. Moving forward, Renaldo Balkman and Mardy Collins, sigh. Then back to old NBA legendary coaches, let’s try out Larry Brown, fail. Let’s overpay some overweigh free agents in Jerome James and Eddy Curry, christ, I could only imagine how much Eddie Curry weighs these days. Let’s throw in Jamal Crawford inbounds pass to David Lee with .1 left on the clock and somehow we won? Talk about a shooting star! Of course both players leave to become perennial all-stars.
The turning point. Sorry, the missed turning point. The following 3 years we have 3 total draft picks: Wilson Chandler, traded; Danilo Gallinari, good, then traded, and now better, and then the lotto pick of the bunch, Jordan Hill, ughhh. This is where the turning point was. We had sucked for 8 years, that is long enough, finally back to back top 10 lottery picks. In 2008, we pick #6, we choose Danilo Galinari with 6, while Eric Gordon, and absolute stud is on the board out of Indiana, who gets snatched up right behind us at #7. Then 2009, the real breaking point. We want Stephen Curry, the light out shooter from Davidson, he wants NY. We pick #8. Black Griffin goes #1, followed by Hasheem Thabeet, and James Harden, as expected. Next 2 highest rated guards are Tyreke Evans and this kid who played ball in Europe to get paid, Brandon Jennings. Tyreke goes next. Then the Minnesota TWoles have back to back picks at #5 and #6, and their GM David Kahn, to this day, has no answers for why on planet earth he chose a point guard in Ricky Rubio, followed by a point guard in Jonny Flynn. Both far too small to play any other positon outside of PG. Kahn should have been fired, on the spot. The unthinkable happens, but all we need is to avoid Golden State, and Curry is ours! Like Gollum in Lord Of The Rings, Curry, Curry is ours. As you know, David Stern announces Steph Curry to GSW, and we miss a generational talent by 1 slot, for the next 10 years of…
The Mike D’Antoni days, I think those were fun mainly because of how fast-paced the game was, you couldn’t tell how badly you were getting blown out, and there was always time to come back, right? Sexual harassment lawsuits. Finally a year with 2 draft picks, and you guessed it Andy Rautins & Laundry Fields. Tracy McGrady for a year somewhere in there, that was fun to say. Then the last time there was a glimmer of hope… First getting Amar’e aka Standing Tall And Talent (can you try to have a worse nickname?) and then pairing him with He’s coming home, he’s coming home, tell the world he’s coming home! Melo!!! When they remixed black & yellow into STAT & Melo, I was all-in, and all it did was hurt that much worse. Let’s not forget the final throw-in piece to get Melo, Timofy Mosgov. A request from the nuggets at the 23rd hour we could have simply said no to and still executed the deal. Since then, Mosgov has gotten a Championship Ring on the Cavs, was then flipped for not 1, no not 1, but 2 first round picks (I honestly have no clue the last time the Knicks acquired a 1st round pick), then was traded for the #2 overall pick in D’Angelo Russell, and now for Dwight Howard. You want Mosgov too? Sure, take him, afterall, you can’t coach height!
Then there was Mike Woodson, the best thing he did was having a good face for the newspaper to draw into a cartoon character. Back to 1 draft pick for each of the next 3 years: Iman Shumpert, who’s best asset is his GF, I mean have you seen the Kayne West Faded video?! Wow. Followed by Kostas Papanikolaous, right initals, wrong player, and Tim Hardaway, who we could not keep and had to pay a King’s Ransom to get back years later. Lose out on Steve Kerr, get Derek Fisher, who has physical altercations with his players over a female, so we may as well insert Kurt Rambis. No way that can end badly. Then draft Cleanthony Early and Thanasis Antekounmpo, right last name, wrong brother. Finally catch lightning in a bottle by Kristaps Porzingis falling to us. Like they say, even a broken clock is correct twice a day, which is more than the Knicks in 2 decades. And who’s out for a year and a half with a busted ACL anyways. Let’s stay hot in the draft and not choose Dennis Smith Jr or Malik Monk, but choose Frank Ntilkina (insert red boiling mad emoji here), and compliment him with Damyean Dotson and Ognjen Jaramaz. And no, you can’t defend Frank Ntilkina sucking and knowing choosing the wrong PG and player by saying, but he’s young, he’ll get better. If we’ve leaned anything at this point it’s that: A. Either he won’t get better B. He will get better, but only once he’s off the Knicks and C. We knowingly made the wrong pick!
Hire Jeff Hornecek, who was there to run a triangle offense a total of zero teams or players run in the NBA through a teams President who was more involved with Lakers activities due to his marital status than his own teams actual best interest, just making sure the new head couch implored his coaching strategy that worked for him 25 years ago, when he had a player named Michael Jordan. Jeff Hornecek was amazing in 2 area: his inability to draw up any X’s & O’s after a timeout, and the physical prowess of his daughter. Oh, and since we let Phil draft the players, let’s fire him, our GM, immediately after the draft and not before, because that makes sense. And now here we are, David Fizdale, who is best known for his pronunciation of the word “data.”
Which takes us to last night, which goes the same as every year, a day filled with hope. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. Although we’re the Knicks and we suck, but we don’t suck enough to tank correctly, even with KP hurt, and to choose our own destiny. Will Trae Young fall to us? Let’s hope. Shaping up that way in a lot of mocks or who knows, maybe this one time we’ll sack up and make a move up and get Bagley on Luke Doncic. The Suns are on the clock and the draft is underway. Just like that, hopes and dreams are shattered, Knicks stay stagnant and Trae goes #5. UGGGGGGHHHHH. Well, maybe we’ll get the best of the rest, Wendall Carter. He’s then drafted. While the pride and joy of the class coming out of high school still remains because of an injury, the former #1 ranked Michael Porter. Cleveland picks one pick before us, surely they will go Porter… they go Sexton! We get Porter!!!! All you have to do is call the name that thousands of fans are chanting. It’s a lay-up. But it’s a Charles Smith lay-up, because we are the absolutely atrocious New York Knicks. We clank it, we somehow pass on Porter who should in no way, shape, or form possibly be there at #9 with his upside. We choose Kevin Knox, who in best case scenario is a poor mans Jayson Tatum on some of the offensive end, plays a James Harden level of defense, and in an absolutely loaded Kentucky team filled with multiple draft picks, somehow managed 53 assists on the entire year, with 85 turnovers. Let’s not forget that he’s only 18 years old, so when he does suck, we will simply just say, but he’s soo young. I hate the Knicks. We are the Cleveland Browns, but we are worse, no one wants to be in Cleveland, everyone wants to be in New York, and for 17 years we have managed to mess it up at every single turn. James Dolan has disgraced The Mecca. I hate the Knicks. TAKE THAT FOR DATA!
This fanhood has beed 33-years in the making, throwing it to the curb does not come easy, and with the many expenditures over the new fanhood stipulations, the lowest minimum reserve to buy my blood, sweat and tears for you team? You guessed it, the last year the Knicks won an NBA Championship: $1973
If you are a fan looking to pick up a basketball brother, you already know that any Knicks fan your team acquires will be tough and literally loyal to a fault. This guy isn’t looking for a short term relationship either. One thing is to spend a shitload of money by traveling to a new team’s games, buying jerseys, and getting the NBA package when you can just watch the Knicks on local TV. But once the Knicks garbage can is replaced with new garbage can and the license plate casing is swapped out, the breakup is official. This guy clearly means what he says and I wish him and whatever fanbase sponsors him nothing but happiness. To sweeten the pot, I will also throw the fandoms of Crying Porzingis Kid and his dad for free. We don’t want them anymore. That’s 3 fans for the price of one. Bid now!
However, once this guy takes the money and changes teams, he is officially no longer a Knicks fan for good. His watch has ended and we thank him for his service atop The Wall. But you can’t take cash, burn your jerseys, and then come crawling back
if when Kevin Knox wins MVP, the next batch of Photoshops come out with Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving wearing Knicks jerseys, or if an anvil falls from the sky and crushes James Dolan. I wish I didn’t have the part of my brain that keeps me coming back to the Knicks and Mets every season hoping they’d change, only to be let down and laughed at again. But it’s there and the only reason I root for these awful franchises while dreaming they one day get contracted so I can become a sports widow instead of a traitor. If you can make some cash and sleep at night knowing you left behind your team, all your friends that went through the wars with you, and guys like Oak, Mase, Starks, etc, then good for you. I’m a big fat dumb idiot and I’ll continue to root for the Knicks for the rest of my shitty life (but I refuse to watch a Knicks game at MSG until Dolan sells the team. A man’s got to have a code).
P.S. I kinda hope whoever wins either makes this guy a Kings fan because they are the Knicks sister franchise in the West or they choose that he has to continue to be a Knicks fan for life because anyone that puts their life in the hands of the internet needs to be reminded that it’s the meanest place on Earth.