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Two Old Guys Duke it Out in Costco Over Free Cheese Samples

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Source - A cut in line for free samples at a Costco turned into a fight — between two 70-year-old men, according to police.

A 70-year-old man said he was waiting in line for a complimentary piece of cheese at the Costco in Greenville, South Carolina, when a 72-year-old man “cut in line, took some cheese and walked off,” according to a July 26 incident report.

After the 70-year-old moved on to a line with free samples of cheeseburgers, police said the man saw the 72-year-old approaching.

The 70-year-old was still upset about being cut in front of, and according to the incident report, he told the other man that “he could get in front of him because he knew he would just cut the line anyway.”

The 72-year-old man responded by saying “I will do it again!” — then saying to the 70-year-old man, “You’re a jerk,” police reported.

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The 72-year-old then hit the 70-year-old in the right side of his head and caused his hat and glasses to get knocked off, according to the incident report.

The woman who was working at the cheeseburger sample stand said “she saw two men argue in front of her station,” and she confirmed the 70-year-old’s account when she told police that a “man in a Hawaiian shirt hit the other man in the head and it sounded very loud, and that the man’s hat flew off his head.” …

Police reported that the 72-year-old said he “hit the man’s hat off his head after the man got in his face and he felt that the man was going to hit him because the man was balling his fist.” …

Police are attempting to get surveillance footage from Costco.

You know what the least surprising part of this story is? All of it. As anyone who’s ever set foot in a Costco will confirm. Shopping there when the free samples come out is a fucking bloodsport. A battle for survival. The most dangerous place in the world is between the retirees and the free samples cart. Run afoul of one of those septuagenarians and they will gut you with the toothpick from the cheese, watch the light leave your eyes as you bleed out on the concrete floor then go home and sleep like a baby. From 4-5 pm. Then get up for the local news.

That 72-year-old didn’t fight his way up Pork Chop Hill, stacking the Red Menace’s dead bodies up around him like firewood just to take shit from some 70-year-old whippersnapper. Get in his way for the little block of cheese or a sliver of microwaved cheeseburger and then ball your fist at him, and someone’s going to be spittin’ dentures, I can promise you that.

I know on some level we all want to watch the surveillance tape, but that’s just morbid curiosity. In reality I think it would be an atrocious thing to look at. Like the Mandingo fights in Django Unchained, in super slo mo. Something you can’t ever unsee. Instead, I’ll just settle for the eyewitness accounts. Like the sample lady, who paints such a perfect word picture, she should be calling old guy fights for a living. The Hawaiian shirt. The sound of (liver spotted) fist hitting (loose) flesh. The hat flying. She makes it sound like Geriatric Fight Club, and that’ll do just fine for me.

And let it be a lesson to you all. You’ve got to keep your head on a swivel when you find yourself in the middle of a vicious free cheese fight.