We Need A Movie About These Swedish Crown Jewel Thieves ASAP As Possible

Huffington Post – In a plot that could have come out of a heist movie, two men on Tuesday raided a Swedish cathedral and stole a set of 17th-century crown jewels, before fleeing the crime scene on a speedboat, according to police and Swedish news outlets.

The heist, in which the suspects took two crowns and a golden orb, happened around noon local time on Tuesday, at the Strängnäs Cathedral, located west of Sweden’s capital of Stockholm.

The crowns once belonged to King Karl IX and Queen Kristina, whose jewels are on display at the cathedral. The items had been displayed in a locked case equipped with an alarm, cathedral officials said in a statement.

Every now and then you stumble across a story that just seems too ridiculous to be true. I’ve spent the last few months scouring over articles I’ve found in some of the strangest corners of the internet machine, trying to turn stories about endangered species and people putting weird things in their butts into content worth reading, so when this headline caught my eye it didn’t take long for me to recognize how much potential it had.

I can’t be the only person sitting around right now wondering how long it’s gonna take until the story of these thieves gets turned into a Hollywood crime/heist spectacular starring a grey-bearded Ben Affleck and a few other 2nd tier stars to support him. As a director, you wouldn’t have to change a thing about this true story for it to sell.

First off and essential to any quality heist movie, the crime needs to be interesting and entertaining. What’s cooler than some guys stealing a set of 17th-century crown jewels that were once worn by King Karl IX and Queen Kristina (whoever the fuck they are)? Not much. That’s the type of shit that gets stolen in shitty medieval movies with knights and stuff, not something that actually happens in real life in 2018.

“Oceans 11″ and the subsequent sequels, along with movies like “The Town”, starring the aforementioned Ben Affleck, stand atop the mountain that is the pinnacle of heist/crime dramas, where they rob Las Vegas casinos and a couple banks in Boston, respectively. There’s no need to try and recreate a story like those, but the people of planet Earth surely have a hankering for an epic heist story like what just happened in Sweden, and you can put it on record that I said that.

Second, the rest of the heist and escape that follows needs to be executed in an entertaining way that warrants the viewer’s attention. Again, without even changing the story, we’re looking at an all-time getaway here. The 2 suspects escaped with the crown jewels by hopping in speedboats and using a chain of connected lakes to put some distance between themselves and pursuing law enforcement.

Take a second and think about how badass an intense police chase would be on the big screen, with these two thieves flying across the surface of a lake beneath pure darkness while dozens of officers scramble to find, follow, and bring them to justice. We don’t know much at all as to how they planned this escape, and what their plan of attack really was prior to and during this heist, but all that info can be filled in after the fact when we get these guys to tell their story and participate in the making of the film.

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I imagine they were banking on the fact that no one would be expecting them to flee via speedboat across a chain of lakes, and by the time people realized what happened they were already off the water and in a getaway car at an undisclosed location, because obviously they still haven’t been caught. This leads me to my next point…

The robbery was a success! That’s the best part here. They came out with a plan that was just strange enough to work, executed it to perfection, and got away. No one wants to watch a movie about a bank robbery or something that ends with the guys getting caught or going to jail. That shit stinks. Real life isn’t like the Disney Channel and people like to see the bad guys win every once in a while. This right here is a prime example of a TRUE STORY about a time when the bad guys won.

We need to get some money and brain power behind this story immediately. Let an established writer and director fill in the blanks about who these guys are, why they did it and how they pulled it off until we can get some insider information from the the thieves themselves. Tell us about how one of them had a sick father dying in prison while serving a life sentence after attempting to steal the same crown jewels and ultimately killing multiple officers in a shootout. Get us invested in these guys and rooting for them, then unveil the story of what is starting to sound like one of the coolest true stories of thievery in recent memory. I know I’d pay to see it done right.