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The Unhappy Patriots Clearly Did Not Have Fun at Their Miserable Practice

You were right all along, Lane Johnson. My apologies for ever doubting you, Cassius Marsh. No wonder you used the moral authority of your 14 tackles over nine games and “confronted” Bill Belichick over his “B.S.” You were right all along. Five practices into Patriots training camp and the veil has already been lifted from my eyes and now I see the error of my ways.

Belichick’s house is a fucking prison. On Planet Bullshit. In the Galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks. I mean, just watch that video. All those oppressed workers going through the motions. Mindlessly toiling through another day of drudgery, all the joy drained from their shattered spirits. Bereft of happiness. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Belichick runs his annual drill where if a fat man from the interior line can field a punt, everyone gets two days off. It was often Vince Wilfork. This time it was rookie first rounder Isaiah Wynn. Forced into this thankless servitude at the whims of his abusive taskmaster. It’s the kind of thing that makes life intolerable for these poor, hapless souls.

I mean, just look at these faces:

Is this training camp or a forced labor camp? Where is the Players Association while this is going on? Where is OSHA? Belichick might as well be Strother Martin in Cool Hand Luke for the sadistic way he treats these men like prisoners.

And … I’m all out of sarcasm. This was fricking awesome and it’s great to see a rookie already being accepted like a veteran so soon into camp. Of course we can fully expect this will be spun by the anti-Patriots jihadists from The Globe and Sports Hub will spin this as a loss. It’s Belichick showing weakness. The insurrection against him has achieved victory. He’s been completely emasculated. The old Hooded One would never have given Wilfork a second chance. Brady still hates him. And this is how the dynasty ends. Mark my words.