ThoughtCatelog – Kat George is a writer with a heart of gold. She’s written a book about her vagina, Pink Bits, for Thought Catalog, and is working on an IRL book as well as her first web series, The Big Gulp. She contributes to Thought Catalog, Vice, Noisey and Bullett, and you can catch her every Friday night in her pyjamas, ordering for one at LA Burrito
So this Australian with a rack decided to write a blog with 13 complaints about having big boobs. First off, those tittes look more tugboat than Titanic, so I’m not too sure what the uproar is over besides attention, but I guess that’s neither here nor there.
Hey Kitty Kat, if you can’t stand the heat get your ass out the kitchen. You’ve been blessed with breasts. You know how many women walking with the chest of 12-year-old boys who would give their left labia to have golden knockers you think you possess? Complaining only makes you look like a spoiled hoochie. It’s like you’ve hit the lottery but are bitching about having to pay the taxes. It ain’t all peaches and cream when you’re dealt such a great hand in life.
Therefore you must put you in your place. Kat’s 13 Complaints About Having Large Tits And Subsequent 13 Counterpoints To Why She Should Shut Her Mouth:
1. People are generally more predisposed to call them “titties” rather than “breasts” (see: Kenny Powers), because having big boobs precludes anyone else from treating them with any level of decorum or anatomical correctness.
Slow down there Miss Thesarus. Decorum? Anatomical? Newsflash, toots, you have huge tits. You’ll be lucky if people notice you have a face let alone a vocabulary.
2. Most clothing only amplifies the largeness of said titties, causing you to look like a milkmaid at almost all times.
And this is an issue, how? Plenty of hungry men out there waiting to be fed.
3. They actually get in the way of you trying to do stuff, like carrying things, sleeping on your tummy and sometimes even in pilates.
The causalities of war. The fact that you can lock up a creepy rich guy and be set for life at will counteracts the fact you can’t have a killer session at Curves.
4. There is no sports bra on this earth that has the industrial design required to stop huge tits from jiggling around when you exercise.
Humblebrag of the century. You don’t like it? I heard duct tape works well. There’s plenty in my basement if you want to stop by for a couple months.
5. If you decide not to wear a bra, absolutely everyone will comment on the fact that you are not wearing a bra.
Burn it for good. No wonder in the world like the bra-less wonder. Sue Ellen Mischke embraced it, so can you.
6. It becomes super weird if your dad or any other dude in your family, referencing another woman, says things like “More than a handful’s a waste.” (I assume it’s doubly weird if they reference you directly).
Your father probably wants to kill himself for having a daughter in general let alone having one with watermelons hanging from her chest and you are guaranteed to have a cousin or two that wouldn’t mind sleeping with you but are trying to hold it in. Let them say what they want to make them feel better about their situation.
7. If you thought granny panties were embarrassing, how about a draw full of granny bras?
See complaint #5 and shut it.
8. People will say things like, “Oh Christina Hendricks has huge tits too.” Yes, Christina Hendricks does have huge tits too. And she looks like a milkmaid (see above).
People also say things like Christina Hendricks is one of the best looking, real women out there. Wouldn’t mind hibernating in between those cozy Gingertits for the rest of the winter.
9. Cat callers will always mention your boobs like, “Hey mami, they some huge titties,” as though you didn’t already know you had huge titties, and you were just waiting for some disgusting creep on the street to point them out for you. Thanks man.
Hey mami(? don’t know what that is but I’m stealing it), it’s called stating the obvious. Granted, some things are better left unsaid. Like you would never call out a retard for acting retarded. But these “creeps” are complimenting you. You and the twins should be thankful.
10. Stretch marks.
Go to the nearest CVS or black male and get some Coca Butter.
11. When you’re looking for a bikini you can only ever buy the ones where the bottom and top and sold separately because even if you need a small on the bottom you probably need a large on top.
Oh boo hoo, toots. If I have to custom order specialized hats designed for steroid abusers and the aliens from Mars Attacks!, you can deal with going through the racks at Macy’s for an extra 2 minutes to find a that bikini bottom that matches the large top.
12. If you wear baggy clothes you will almost always look fatter than you are, because your boobs will hold out clothes in such a way that makes it seem as though your tummy and hips match their undulation.
Shouldn’t be wearing baggy clothes anyways unless you plan to get a stunt impaled through your lip or get married at the Grammy’s.
13. If you wear tight clothes you will almost always look like more of a stripper than you are, because your boobs will fill out clothes in such a way that screams for attention, even though in reality there’s absolutely nothing you can do about them, you wish people (men) would stop drooling over them, and the only reason you wore the dress is because you liked it, not to show off your tits.
I can’t even argue with this anymore. Get a breast reduction if you hate having the ability to hypnotize 50% of the population at will to getting whatever you want. See this GIF that recently put a restraining order against me if you don’t know what I mean: