TuesdayHomestretch/I HATE NY

Good afternoon, everyone.  Homestretch is a little early today, but it is pretty long (again).

At some point, I would love feedback if you, the reader, would prefer multiple smaller pieces of content, or if (like your sister) you prefer one long hard one… Lemme know.

The DOW outperforming today after Monday’s lag on continued concerns over impending global trade war.  Most of the action today continues to be earnings driven.  Biggest loser that I have seen is Whirlpool, down almost 15% after a miss after the bell last night.  Tonight, we are waiting on AT&T, Chubb and Texas Instruments.

Outside of earnings, the only thing people are really keying in on this week will be Friday’s GDP reading from the Commerce Department which, simply put, is a measure of economic growth.

Consensus expects 4.1% growth, which is a sizable pickup from the 2% growth of the first quarter attributed to the combination of tax cuts and a tight labor market.

Moving on… Picture day today at Barstool. They are taking headshots of all the bloggers for some reason.

I woke up today with a pimple between my first and second chin, and another above my right eye. Everyone else here is in their twenties, but I am going to look like the fat kid the night before prom.

I just saw the proofs of what they took of me, and I honestly look like I should be sitting at a table with a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, being watched on a hidden camera by Chris Hansen, the Dateline-To Catch A Predator team, and the local police as I try to broker a meeting with a 12 year old boy who wants to “wrestle”.

They should’ve just used this old pic of me debating global risk on Bloomberg…


Actually that is Cliff Asness, hedge fund manager who is worth $4billion. We look a lot alike… Only real difference is that I am a blogger who gets paid by the word.

I know it’s going to take some doing, but just once I would like to take a picture where I don’t look like the “Before” photo for a P90X ad.

On a brighter physical note, I have not had a drink since Sunday morning, and had a dinner reschedule that was supposed to be tomorrow night. I am going to try and go at least a week being dry. I’ve been on wagons before, but they tend to only have 3 wheels, so my expectations are not high.

The impetus for this temporary lifestyle tweak was when I woke up Sunday afternoon in a bathing suit, and I had no idea why.  I was later told by my wife that there was a veritable monsoon down the shore where we were staying, and patio furniture was windswept into the pool sometime around 2AM. I immediately changed into my trunks and went swimming in the electrical storm because I “wanted to feel what it would be like to lay in a lounge chair at the bottom of a pool.”  That, coupled with the slight arrhythmia I experienced at brunch, is what lead me towards this path of temporary sobriety.

And for those who are wondering just how far I will take it?… The gentleman I have been hosting the morning radio show with (Willie Colon) is having a barbecue at his house next weekend, where I plan to get “monsoon drunk” again… So there is definitely a finish line in sight.

Moving on… Somebody DM’d me an interesting little tidbit, which coincides with what I said about Vin Diesel late last week.

If you don’t recall, I wished Vin a happy 51st birthday, and then went on to call him a “tainted sausage” that would be 55 by the time Fast & Furious 10 drops in 2022.

Similarly, this Twitter person informed me that Tom Cruise is 54, and about to star in Mission Impossible 6 opening this week. At 54, that makes Cruise almost 5 years older than Wilford Brimley was when he starred in Cocoon.

Cocoon, for the uninitiated, was the oldest old person movie ever made. I vaguely recall it was about a group of seniors who found the fountain of youth in the pool at their old age home.  Cocoon is also the way some people pronounce “cocaine” at 3 AM, after doing to much “cocaine/cocoon”.

So Cruise is 54 years young and still jumping out of planes, where Brimley was 4 years his junior and was simply trying to muster up the motivation to get a magic-induced handjob from Jessica Tandy.

I wrote “Brimley” twice in the sentences above, and both times spellcheck tried to change it to “Brinkley”, which gives you an idea just how much these old bones have used Christie Brinkley’s image in a pinch (wink!).


Christie Brinkley has to be an AFTP at some point, no?… I think I will wait until her daughter turns 21 (someone circle July 2, 2019 for me, please).

Moving on… Not sure why, but I have been doing celebrity birthdays every now and again, and nobody has complained.

Karl Malone turns 55 today.  Most people remember him as “The Mailman” “because he always delivered”, but I like to remember the fact that he knocked up a 13 year old girl while he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech, and wasn’t there for that delivery.

J-Lo turns 49 today… Still a spicy piece of ass, I guess, but I temper my enthusiasm after hearing from more than one person that she is a real cunt… SHOCKER!

Moving on… I was going to use the zombie raccoon story as the lead in for I HATE NY this week, but The Hound covered it in a blog yesterday.

I thought I had dibs on complaining about anything that happened in that rat cum riddled patch of grass smack dab in the middle of this disgusting city, but apparently The Hound felt differently.


If I had an ounce of muscle and/or courage, I would challenge him in Rough N’ Rowdy, but since The Hound is much younger and marginally more athletic, I’m gonna let it slide.

Here’s the story, for those who missed it… Central Park raccoons have a form of distemper that is causing them to act like Dominican gangs in the Bronx.

I will sneak one more thing in for I HATE NY… I was in the office early on Friday of last week (maybe 6AM or so) and there was an explosion just a couple blocks South of here that I have since read shot a geyser of asbestos into the air.


Maybe I am a little bit of a sensitive touch-hole when it comes to explosions because I was unlucky enough to be downtown during 9/11, and got covered in dust and ash when the towers fell.  As a result, I am quick to get the fuck out of Dodge whenever anything as much as an M80 goes off in this city. And the fact that we had a massive explosion/asbestos geyser go off here last week is just another reason I fucking HATE NY.

Take a report.


PS: Being the “Finance” guy, people ask me for investment advice more than I would like. Well, MegaMillions tonight is up to $510million, the fifth highest pot ever… Good luck.

PSS: Being a self-proclaimed “Radio” guy, I am co-hosting Barstool Breakfast again on Wednesday and Friday this week from 7-9AM on SIRIUS Channel 85.