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Malvern Prep Following SJP's Communist Stance On Attending The Wing Bowl With Scathing Letter Of Morality

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From Reader Tip:

Dear Malvern Parents,

On Friday, January 31, 2014, Sports Radio 94 WIP will host its annual Wing Bowl in Philadelphia’s Wells Fargo Center at 6:00 a.m. The Wing Bowl is an eating contest that celebrates gluttony, encourages the objectification of women and idealizes alcohol abuse. It is an event diametrically aligned against the Augustinian virtues of Truth, Unity and Love we seek, as an institution, to instill in your sons every day at Malvern.

We have become aware that some students plan on attending the Wing Bowl and would like to discourage our students’ attendance, but we need your assistance. Malvern cannot in good conscience condone the attendance of our students at an event like this during an academic day.

A student who is called out sick for Friday, January 31, 2014, and attends the Wing Bowl will receive an unexcused absence for that academic day and have to face the disciplinary and academic repercussions for an unexcused absence.

As always, students who need to be absent on Friday, January 31, 2014, must have their parents call in explaining their absence and follow up with a note to be handed in to the Dean of Students Office the next academic day they are in attendance before they can be admitted to classes.

Thank you,

Tim Dougherty
Dean of Students

First St. Joe’s Prep laid the Nick Folds equivalent wood on the Wing Bowl, now another college preparatory institution follows suit. But is this guy actually whipping out Gluttony there as a moral reason not to attend? Are we stuck in the Dark Ages fearing the works of Dante or is Tim Dougherty indeed the reincarnation of John Doe from Se7en? If Gluttony is still recognized as a sin then I’ll see 80% of America and 99.999% of Barstool employees in the 7th level of hell.

Wing Bowl should not be cited as one of the most vile things corrupting the youth of America today. All Timmy needs to do is turn on the TV and watch a day's worth of MTV or 3 seconds of The View to see more offensive material available to tarnish his children. If anything, witnessing grown men (and 1 beastly woman) taking years off their lives via wings, seeing average to saggy titties on the big screen and participating in a fight or twelve will teach your sons more than any textbook ever would. Plus they should be fine unless El Wingador escapes prison and sells them first class smack in Roosevelt Park post midnight.

“It is an event diametrically aligned against the Augustinian virtues of Truth, Unity and Love we seek, as an institution, to instill in your sons every day at Malvern.” Hopefully that wasn’t the same mantra being used when students were being diddled left and right by the priests on campus. Don’t think your sons weren’t exactly being instilled with the right virtues.