Since the NFL season ended with the great cosmic nurple that was Super Bowl LII, Tom Brady has been portrayed as a petulant, disgruntled, coach-hating, cuckolded, diva with terrible hands and a declining interest in practicing football. While Jimmy Garoppolo has been portrayed as the Gallant to 2018 Brady’s Goofus. Undefeated as a starter. With an impeccable work ethic. Off-the-charts leadership skills. The highest salary in NFL history. The savior of the 49ers that one Boston talk radio guy casually called “the next Joe Montana.”
So now, with Training Camps about to begin, let’s see check in to see what both dreamily attractive Alpha quarterbacks are up to.
In the blue corner:
In the red corner:
Hmmm. Alright. Brady is nailing Wes Welker in the hands from 50 yards away while he’s going full speed on the back of a golf cart. Jimmy G is nailing a 41-year-old overly-collagened porn chick who’s built like a pool float and can’t shut up about it.
And to add points to Brady on the judge’s cards, we have this from Mike Reiss:
Quarterback Tom Brady is scheduled to report to Patriots training camp [yesterday]. … So while the official reporting date for veterans is Wednesday, with the first public practice Thursday, the start of Brady’s 2018 season officially starts earlier (all quarterbacks on the roster report earlier than veterans each year). After staying away from voluntary workouts for what he termed family considerations, Brady is described as being as excited as ever for another season, according to those close to him.
This is what we needed to hear. After all the anonymous reports, the speculation, reading body language, parsing words, breaking down Tom vs Time like the security camera footage at a crime scene and timing how long it took Brady to answer a question about if he likes playing for Belichick, we get this. Business as usual. The GOAT we know and love. Perfecting his craft in one of his own, unique workouts, the first to show up to team practices and excited to be starting a new season. And only having sex with a woman befitting his stature as the leader of an NFL team.
To be clear, I don’t begrudge Jimmy G’s right to consensually put his man parts into the lady parts of any woman who’s willing. I will point out that at a similar age, Brady was running with Tara Reid at the height of her Maxim/FHM powers:
… and Coyote Ugly-era Bridget Moynahan:
But that’s neither here nor there. All that matters is Brady is fresh as lettuce, laser focused and back to work, fully engaged. (And doing the Larry Bird 3-Point Contest “No. 1″ salute, no matter what he says about Steph Curry.) Meanwhile Jimmy Garoppolo is banging giant, rubber Petri Dish filled with man-made substances, natural and otherwise. And all of a sudden, I’m feeling about as good about the start of camp as I thought possible.