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Aaron Nola, The Phillies Only All-Star Representative, Threw A Scoreless Inning With Pitches Baseball Purists Described As "Filthy Sex"

Machado doesn’t honor handshakes. Kawhi is off to pout in Toronto. It’s time to focus on the one positive thing that happened last night, and his name is Sir Aaron Nola The Magnificent.

Nevermind the division leading Phillies have the 3rd best record in the NL, yet have the minimal, league mandated amount of All-Stars (getcha underdog masks ready). What an performance by the young All-Star in his lone inning pitched. 1, 2, almost 3. Only a quick poke by a living garden gnome disguising himself as the best hitter in the game held Aaron Nola from a perfect inning in his All-Star debut. Down goes Perez. Mookie gets blown somehow harder than a casual Saugus Rocket tweet. Then the best ballplayer on Earth and future Phillies teammate Mike Trout pops out to first to end the inning. Ho freaking hum.

It’s about time the world took notice. Phillies people knew it already. Aaron Nola is 25-years-old and is already a certified ace. There’s no doubt about that. The man has been pure filth all year. I mean, come on. This pitch to nab out Charlie Blackmon, one of the game’s best hitters, for the second time of a warm June night should’ve come with bail money.

Nola’s curveball and changeup spew out from the exact same arm slot. Pitches so deceptive they really shouldn’t be legal.

That isn’t even filth. It’s borderline wizardry. Not even Jared Carrabis hitting 8th on his intramural coed work league softball team could identify those bastards. And we’re just talking about his offspead stuff. At an average 6’1, 195, Nola’s got some pop to his jazz. Look at him climbing the ladder. LOOK AT HIM.

92 mph comes cooking in at straight gas out of Boozin’ Burger ass when you’re dealing with his deceptive offspeed stuff all night. All in all, the Phillies haven’t had a gem this early in his career since Matt Beech Cole Hamels. Cole was beyond dominant and won the World Series MVP at 24. At 25, the only thing Nola is missing is the ring.

Now do yourself a favor and pleasure yourself to more of Nola’s baseball porn. Do it.