SCHWARBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Loses To Bryce In The Final)

Alright so that definitely sucked. I’m sitting here searching the depths of the internet for any and all authorized video content of Kyle Schwarber dominating the Home Run Derby while Bryce Harper tea bags me relentlessly. And while we are on topic, there is extremely limited authorized video content because MLB would rather have us learn about the game through word of mouth just like our grandfathers. It’s bullshit. And so is the fact that Kyle Schwarber lost tonight.

But that won’t stop me from enjoying the fact that the Cubs officially signed Bryce Harper tonight. Like this is his crowning achievement in DC. This is what he has to fall back on in his time with the Nationals. Sorry if that hurts your feelings but it’s the truth. Bryce Harper is 1,000% going to join Schwarber in Chicago this offseason. It’s all apart of Theo’s master plan:

1. Almora

2. Harper

3. Bryant

4. Rizzo

5. Baez

6. Schwarber

7. Contreras

8. Russell

9. Darvish