Monday Homestretch/I HATE NY

Large7/16/2018 5:41 PM

Summer Monday, and markets are relatively flat as earnings are starting to roll in.

Biggest outliers I see are Deutsche Bank and Advanced Micro. The beaten down German bank is up 8% after saying second quarter profit would come in “considerably above analyst’s expectations”, and AMD up 3% as cryptocurrency related names all drift higher.

Trump and Putin are meeting up in Finland to discuss arms control, meddling in the 2016 election, and the annexation of Ukraine. Most people are watching the summit closely for hints of whether or not US sanctions against Russia will eventually be lifted. In the meantime, here’s a shot of some Trump fans in England that should anger some, amuse others, and confuse me…

The “guy” in the red beard kinda looks like Andy Dick.

Speaking of celebrity look alikes, I posted this shot of me on Twitter buying illegal fireworks yesterday in PA…

Someone tweeted that I look like a “fat Fred Durst trying out for a cooking show”… Fucking internet is so spot on.

By the way, how big are my hands?… I could finger a fucking rhino.

Every Monday is I HATE NY… Highlighting why “the city that never sleeps” actually “never sleeps because it stays up 24/7 thinking of ways that it can further fuck you in the wallet and then shit in your heart”… Which is waaaay more accurate, but would look terrible on a bumper sticker.

Today I am going to talk about parking, because it has plowed me in the ass multiple times in the last couple days.

I really should know better, but I had some gastrointestinal distress one morning, so I decided to park very close to the office. Got there at 5:55AM, I was there for maybe 3 hours, and the guy banged me for $52 with a straight face on my way out.

I said, “Fifty two fucking dollars?!?!… Did I break a fucking window?”

With a lobotomized look, he said nothing, just pointed to a board with so many rates and fine print it would take the most seasoned forensic accountant to figure it out, but was easily ignored by me because I almost shit myself at 5:30AM in the Lincoln Tunnel.

I needed my car close to the office the day after, so I hit a different garage. This time I was there less than 2 hours and it was only $47. Another fucking bargain, but I was forced to pay again.

Ultimately, the answer is to not drive into the city. And I have had some success with parking apps, when I took the time to plan ahead. But the fact remains… NYC parking garage owners suck dick.

Actually had a rare parking positive 2 weeks ago.

Took my family to the Kellogg’s Cereal place in Union Square. The kids wanted to try it out, and it was very nice. They charge you maybe $10 for a bowl of cereal that you then load up with designer toppings and eat while swinging on hammocks overlooking Union Square Park from a second story loft across the street.

We were at the place for exactly 1 hour and 7 minutes, which is another selling point for this Kellogg’s place… You can’t waste 2 hours of your life eating cereal, no matter how much shit you put on it.

I get back to the garage after 1 hour and 7 minutes and the guy says, “$61″. I kind of freaked out a little bit, but didn’t cause a scene because the kids were having a nice time, and shame on me for not planning the parking situation better.

I happened to have cash on me, so I gave the guy three 20’s and a $5 bill. As he went to get my car, I stopped him and asked him for the change… No shot I was giving him 4 dollars more after getting depredated for the 61.

Instead of counting out 4 dollars worth of change, the guy fucked up and gave me back 61! Three 20’s and a one! In his defense, this beautiful bastard was chewing gum and there was math involved.

I was SO fucking excited as I waited there for him to bring my car around after handing me back the wrong amount. I couldn’t tell my wife and/or kids, because I just didn’t trust them to keep my secret safe for the next 30 seconds or so.

The guy pulled up with my car, and I rushed to get in and speed away. My middle guy was day dreaming a bit in the garage, and in a moment of nervous weakness, I open hand slapped him, and told him through gritted teeth, “Get in the fucking car!”

I threw the attendant a one dollar bill, and sped off before anyone had time to buckle up, and I will tell you what… I never felt so fucking alive!

I apologized profusely to my confused and now bruised kid in the back, and then spent the rest of the drive explaining to all the kids how stealing is wrong… UNLESS you are stealing from NYC parking garage.

I made sweet love to the bride that night while staring at the 3 crumpled 20’s on my nightstand, and I insisted that she call me “Danny Ocean”… That woman is a saint.