Mike Matheny Blows
Hey Matheny fuck you.
Idk if there’s been a more deserved mid-season MLB manager firing ever and frankly I don’t care. Mike Matheny is a flaming asshole. He transcends douche. In the wake of this news I can only imagine him crying to his wife behind closed doors about how much the game has changed. That the good old days are gone. The days where logic and reason are entirely absent from all aspects of Major League Baseball. A time when guys used to inject their steroids directly into the bloodstream.
Simpler times.
It was also a time when guys like Mike Matheny could last 13 seasons and over 4,000 plate appearances despite posting NEGATIVE VALUE in 8 of those seasons. Specifically: Matheny had negative-WAR in 2,425 of his 4,287 career plate appearances, good for 57.5%.
In other words, Mike Matheny sucked at playing baseball relative to other average major leaguers more often than not. That is a fact.
Here’s another fact: Mike Matheny is an asshole. Anyone in MLB that even remotely embodies his values needs to crawl into a hole and die. He’s so Old School he gets dysentery. We’re talking about a guy that hates millennials because apparently we changed the game for the worse. Apparently only people born before 1981 know how to play baseball properly. We’re talking about a manager that intentionally instructed Bud Norris to bird-dog rookie phenom Jordan Hicks “mercilessly” because apparently Hicks needs some good old fashioned conservative life lessons from a journey-man 5th starter on his 7th team in 10 years. That’s the right mix, Mike. Explicitly sabotage your best bullpen arm for the next 5-6 seasons because it’s the *right* thing to do.
Or how about the time Matheny skipped out on dinner with Dexter Fowler because he didn’t want to be involved in recruiting the club’s biggest free agent signing since who gives a fuck. There was the time he pushed out Cardinals’ legend Jose Oquendo because he’s a control freak and didn’t like Oquendo’s focus on pregame fundamental work. There’s the time Matheny told the media that Yadi was tired and needed more rest, then Yadi turning around on instagram and telling his manager to politely FUCK OFF. And we’re not even talking about the wide scale regression that the Cardinals have thoroughly enjoyed since losing to the Cubs in the 2015 NLDS: 86 wins, 83 wins, and 47-46 at the time of firing Matheny Saturday night.
Speaking of sucking, the Cardinals are 6 games behind the Reds since May 1st.
Sit down I’m not done yet.
When the Cardinals drilled Anthony Rizzo in the head on September 18 2015, Joe Maddon had this to say at the podium after:
“I never read that particular book that the Cardinals wrote way back in the day… I was a big Branch Rickey fan, but I never read this book that the Cardinals had written on how to play baseball… That really showed me a lot today in a negative way. I don’t know who put out the hit. I don’t know if Tony Soprano is in the dugout. I didn’t see him in there. But we’re not going to put up with it, from them or anybody else… I just want them to know this. We’re not going to take that. Very simple… We don’t start stuff but we will stop stuff”
The next day the Cubs drilled Kolton Wong twice and Greg Garcia once. Maddon wasn’t fucking around and wanted to send a message: You don’t drill Rizzo in the head. And you know what Matheny did in response? Nothing. He did absolutely nothing. He denied any wrongdoing to the media, laughed about it awkwardly then proceeded to get stuffed in a locker by Joe Maddon as the Cubs finished 11-3 in their last 14 before knocking out the Cardinals in the playoffs. No blood spilled but plenty of words exchanged.
Apparently the Cardinals Way to Matheny meant being a big pussy when push comes to shove.
Let’s go to the tape:
1. On Bud Norris treating Jordan Hicks like a piece of shit – “I get regular updates,” Matheny said. “But that’s good. I invited him into that. We need leadership with each sub-culture of the team, including the bullpen, and he’s keeping an eye. He’s a stickler for what we established early on.”
FYI – Since the start of the 2016 season, the Cardinals have blown 98 leads and suffered 20 walk-off losses. They’ve lost 35 times when they’ve taken a lead into the seventh or eighth inning. The only established precedent is ineffectiveness.
2. On whether Jordan Hicks appreciates Bud Norris – “Probably not. But Bud’s going to continue to do what he thinks is right as a veteran, so you respect that.”
FYI – between a relationship with Bud Norris and Jordan Hicks, you want to prioritize the 21 year-old that throws 107mph because he is more important. But that’s just common sense and logic talking.
3. On the state of baseball - “I think the game has progressively gotten a little softer… Man, it had some teeth not that long ago.”
FYI – baseball is as good as it has ever been with young, diverse, explosive, multi-cultural talent and exponential innovation in the world of Performance Enhancing Drugs. Now is the time to be alive in baseball. Fans want Dingers not 5 hour marathons. Fans want sex. And fireworks, literally and metaphorically, at every possible moment. This is 21st century Western World entertainment. If I wanted to feel warm and cozy and nostalgic I’d open a book and smell it. Get a big whiff then write a handwritten letter to someone wearing a wool cardigan. The game is awesome. Get the fuck out of here.
4. On whether Carlos Martinez would be his #1 starter after signing a 7-year/$87Million extension - “I believe Carlos would be the first to tell you Wainwright has been in that spot for good reason for us. Someone may come along with more electric stuff, as Carlos has, but Waino’s the leader of our staff. No doubt Carlos has the capability and raw ability and makeup to be, to me, one of the best pitchers in the league. I think that’s pretty commonly thought in our clubhouse and on our pitching staff. He could be the No. 1 pitcher in the league. I think he has Cy Young ability.”
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Buttttttttttt he’s not. It’s Wainwright. Don’t insult Waino like that by asking us about the guy we gave all this money to. That’s disrespectful. Duh.
5. On the importance of communicating with his players – I’m also a believer that some messages are not meant to be shared publicly. They’re meant to stay inside the clubhouse. I always look to be more efficient and to incorporate ways of having a good time, while working hard at the same time. I’m also taking input from guys who have been in different organizations and been successful.
Funny how that worked out, asshole.
6. On Dexter Fowler joining the Club in 2017 - In the conversations I’ve had with Dexter, I want to be clear I’m not putting the responsibility of the club on his shoulders. We really want him to feel he can come in here and be himself… There have been cases in the past where I’ve called out a guy and said he needed to be a leader, needed to be more vocal. Then guys do it, but I think it becomes forced… He also has fun playing the game. I’m envious of guys like that, because it wasn’t anything I was capable of doing, and I struggle with in the job I have now”
*Job you had*