Worst Day Ever with Chaps and Kate

I hosted an impromptu Brooklyn Food Tour last week with Chaps and Kate.  Picked them up in my car after they finished a podcast I have never been invited to join, and then shuttled them around the South side of Brooklyn.  We wound up hitting 6 restaurants in 5 hours.  I mentioned before, it was something I did years ago with some friends from CITI.  It was such a success then, I thought it would be easily replicated.

I was dead wrong.

First off, it’s not that I don’t like either Kate or Chaps… I just don’t trust them.  And although they both have proud military backgrounds, and both saw active duty defending our country, I am pretty sure I am now missing that handful of parking meter change I kept in my backseat ashtray.

Chaps is from Florida and lives in Texas, while Kate is from somewhere much less memorable (apparently) and currently lives near Philly, which I now know are parts of the country where people don’t believe in chipping in for either gas money or tolls.  Every toll we passed through, I purposely mentioned aloud, “Can you believe how expensive this drive is?” or, “This would be so much more enjoyable if I thought I was going to be reimbursed.”

But nothing came back.  And not “nothing” in a figurative sense… They gave me nothing.

I have been told that I look old, fat, ugly, fat again, and bald, but I never been called “free chauffeur’ish”, but maybe that’s my newest cross to bear.

We started at Totonno’s in Coney Island.  Sat in a corner both and ordered a plain pie, some house red.  It’s my favorite pie in Brooklyn and I think both of my guests felt the same way… Not strongly enough that either reached for the check, mind you… But we all had a good time.

When the waitress was too slow with the check I walked over to tell her I was parked at a hydrant (which was true), and that someone had said my car was about to be towed (which was false).  The old waitress rushed to give me the bill, so my ruse was a success, but then she proceeded to follow us out of the restaurant to see who was trying to tow me.  I forgot I was dealing with an old Italian, and this bitch was ready to go to the fucking mattresses for her customers.

She yelled/asked me, “Who said you were going to be towed?”

And in a moment of panic, I said, “Him!”, and pointed to the Middle Eastern cab driver parked behind me.

Chaps, Kate and I then jumped in my ride, and we Duke boy-ed outta there before the cabbie and the old Italian lady declared a jihad.

Next stop was Randazzo’s in Sheepshead Bay.  We went for a dozen littlenecks, a little more red, and a plate of half fried shrimp/half calamari smothered in their hot sauce. Again, a rousing success.  Kate had never tried raw clams nor cooked calamari, which she probably could’ve mentioned before I bought $60 worth of both, but what little she tried, she liked.  Calamari is one of Chaps’ favorite dishes, even though he pronounces it “cal-heem-mare-ee”, and he admitted at the end it was one of the top 3 “ga-la-mahds” he ever ate.

Wine-Icorn at Randazzo’s…

Tough to hit a moving target, so we soldiered on.  Which is a good segue to mention Chaps was shot in the call of duty, so he’s probably not a very good moving target.

Third stop was Joes of Avenue U, which Kate had asked from the backseat, “Where is that located?”

I thought she was kidding at first, but I ultimately had to tell her Joe’s of Avenue U is located on Avenue U.

We had Panelle Specials there, which is a fried chickpea fritter on a perfectly toasted sesame seed bakery roll with a scoop of ricotta cheese and some shredded sharp hard Italian cheese on top of that.  It is a perfect fucking sandwich, and different from anything you have tried before.  We had them with Manhattan Special espresso sodas, and they were a HUGE hit… Both the sandwiches and the drinks.

Kate only ate half of hers, and although I begged her to leave the balance, she insisted on having it wrapped to-go, even though it would dissolve into a lop of oily shit in the backseat of my car as we finished the tour.

Chaps picked up the bill in Joe’s… The tip he left was a handful of coins that looked suspiciously like the handful I kept in my ashtray.

Soda-corn at Joe’s

Stop number 4 was Brennan and Carr’s on Nostrand Avenue.  We had roast beef and cheeses with a side of broth and ice cold mugs of Bud.  This restaurant was geographically closest to the house where I grew up, and as a result, it made me the most nostalgic.  I told Chaps and Kate that the broth they were sloppily dipping their sandwiches into was the same broth my dad used to bring home to my brothers and I whenever one of us was fighting a cold… Like Irish chicken soup.  I actually choked up a little as I was telling the story, but I don’t think either Kate or Chaps noticed because they spent the whole meal with their heads buried in their phones.

Brew-nicorn at BandC…

The carb count was quickly mounting, but we moved onto the 5th stop which was L&B’s Spumoni Gardens.  We had red squares there, which Chaps liked, but Kate LOVED… She said the thick crust reminded her of the pretzels she gets in Philly, which could be the most Philly thing she could’ve said at that time.  We washed them down with some much-needed waters and then 3 spumonis which cleansed our sullied palates.

Water-icorn at L&B’s…

Final stop was Cuccio’s Bakery for lobster tails which both of my leeches were thrilled to find out were not desserts that contained seafood.  A lobster tail is a crunchy pastry horn filled with French cream… Very delicious.  I also ordered a couple of random pastries to bring home to my kids.

Kate stepped up to the plate to pay here, only to realize it was cash-only, so had to bum $3 off me so the owners of Cuccio’s wouldn’t call the cops… It’s the thought that counts, and its the driver that pays.  Fuck me.

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Loaded back into my car for the final time and headed back to NYC where I dropped both of my albatrosses off without as much as a “Thank you”.  Then I sat in 2 hours of traffic trying to make it home to New Jersey before I shit my pants.

Perfect ending to a not-so perfect day.

I plan on doing another Brooklyn Food Tour in the future, but I am pretty sure I will switch up the guest list.  And if those eventual guests are reading this right now?… Please remember to bring your fucking wallet.

Take report.

-Large

Disclaimer:  Both Chaps and Kate were very gracious, very generous, and very appreciative guests that day… Just lovely people who I enjoyed tremendously.  That stuff is just no fun to type, so I tore them both new assholes.  Sue me.

Chaps said that there will be a podcast out tomorrow with me on it. Subscribe to that or dont. Whatever.