4 More Things You Don't Have To Worry About Unless You Have Dwarfism

Zah7/11/2018 8:00 PM

For those that aren’t familiar, the first ever piece I wrote was on this same topic. Here is a link to it. Last week I was in Boston and Worcester visiting my old college roommate. A few things happened during the trip that had me so triggered, and lead to the second installment of things you don’t think of unless you’re a dwarf. So without further ado:

1.) Adjusting Shower Heads

As I alluded to, I was up in Boston at roommates place. His parents have a nice ass house in suburban Boston. It seemed like they just redid their bathroom recently. He had this dope ass shower that looked like one of those things Elon Musk sent to Thailand to try get those kids out of that cave.

From the get go I knew the shower was going to be my rival, when I could barely fit my ginormous ass through the door because the opening was that small. Once I managed to squeeze in, I had plaster myself to the glass door for the water to barely hit the back of my head. One of the downsides of having a big dumper like mine, is it can get a little messy down there. I’m a huge “power wash my asshole” type of guy and Americans ain’t hip to bidet like that. Not that I have a bidet myself, but this motherfucker has owns a bagel shop and has slung way too many not to have a bidet. Just like always I had to jump like I’m fucking Yelena Isinbayeva doing womens pole vault, to adjust the shower head so the water isn’t hitting the back of my head.

I discovered that his shower head doesn’t move when it threw my balance off mid-air, leading to me almost burrowing through the floor ass-first into the basement. I was at work at 6am sharp the next day, while most in a similar situation would have ended up in ICU.

2.) Ordering Food

No free ads but we have a Chipotle at the corner of the street. Im a lazy guy so it being right next door is perfect. Each time I order I have to get on my tippy-toes, angle my head towards the moon and howl what I would like, just so I can project my voice above the glass. The server usually reacts by ducking their head under the glass so they can see where this random voice is coming from. Here’s the best part, the server usually keeps their head behind the glass for the whole duration of the ordering process. THAT HAS TO BE THE DUMBEST THING SERVERS DO WHEN DEALING WITH MIDGETS, IN THE HISTORY OF MIDGETS! I know I’m a tasty looking piece of dark chocolate, but hearing my order seems to be the more crucial matter at hand in this situation. Logic would dictate take the high route and try go over the top of the glass. Instead it just turns into someone just starring at me through the glass screaming “what was that,” for the next 5 min. Call me a communist, but I’ll only go to places you can order online from here henceforth.

3.) Taking Pictures

Since I started working here, it’s become harder to keep a low profile in public. Our readers usually come up to talk and ask for pictures which I don’t mind at all. The easiest way to find me in a bar is to look for a group of white guys standing in a semi-circle facing the wall. Walk in that direction and eventually you’ll see me in the middle. From a midgets perspective, when it comes to taking pictures there are two types of guys. First type is the guy that stands up straight. I usually end up somewhere in between your armpits or your nutsack depending on tall you are, except for Cousin Mike who I reach the top of his ear. The major down side to the guy that stands up is that my hair usually ends up rubbing up in your armpits as seen below:

5 pictures in my head starts smelling like a dirty linebackers girdle. I mean its just tough to talk to women when you smell like ass. That’s just fact.

The second type of guy, is the guy that takes a knee.

These type of guys usually cause a scene in public, as it is kinda weird to just be kneeling in the middle of a bar. The arms usually look weird as they just seem to be way too long, to be that close to the ground. Additionally, what this does is just point out how short you are. I mean for a guy to be on his knees and still be taller than you, you simply just hate to see that.

4.) Trotting Walking with people

I am the black sheep in my family. I come from a family full of competitive people and yet I’m the only one that’s not too concerned with winning shit. There usually try get me involved in their stupid little competitions and I flat out just refuse. However the one thing they never invite me to join is the FitBit steps competition. The fact Penn Station is roughly a mile from the office, means I would automatically body bag everyone without even making a single change to my currently unhealthy lifestyle.

My issue isn’t necessarily with walking, its with walking with other people. Keeping up is tough when you average 2.341 steps per 1 normal persons step. I have to remind the assholes I call friends, to wait up for me every time we go to lunch. On top of that I sweat really easily. I probably sweat more than Dana B, so it only takes half a block of trying to keep up with Tex for my forehead to look like Niagara falls.

Well that’s it for now. Going to conclude on a little bit of a sidenote thats related to the topic at hand. As I was writing this piece, Tech Guy Andrew was telling me about this street on Long Island that has houses built for midgets? Like what? Apparently its miniature everything. Unlike other minority groups, us midgets don’t give a shit about inclusivity. Dwarfs don’t need society bending its knees to our demands. As Andrew was running his mouth, he sneakily slid this box under my dangling feet