I am also a free agent

With all the hullabaloo surrounding NBA free agency moves this past week, I thought it was time to step outside of my comfort zone and contribute my 2 cents.

I really don’t give a fuck about NBA free agency moves.

I am a Knicks fan, and I think Clancy said it best on a tweet last week that all these blockbuster deals and subsequent Dream Teams mean nothing to a Knicks fan because we are never going to be part of said transactions because we are never going to be good again.

I was a season ticket holder in the mid-90’s, and going to the Garden to watch Pat Riley’s Knicks play Jordan’s Bulls was an event.  Everyone got there early (except for those who visited the West Garden* beforehand), and the place was electric. Now I take my kids to MSG maybe twice a year, and it has an overpriced WNBA feel to it, at best.

I think I have the answer, though… And I think the answer might be me.

In the age of the super-team, like Golden State and now maybe the Lakers, I really don’t root for the dynasties, but I can understand bandwagon people who do… It’s exciting to witness records being broken and repeat/threepeats being reached.  I also don’t root against the super-team, but I can understand the non-bandwagon people who do… Parity makes the league fun for every fan base.  Especially those poor bastards in New York, Orlando, or Sacramento.

Instead of doing either, I find myself rooting for injuries.  I would find it intriguing to see what the Warriors would become if Durant fractured his tibia, and I would like to see the look on the fan’s face after his team finally lands Kawhi, but then Kawhi suffers a minor stroke.

So maybe that’s the answer.

Maybe instead of lining up to suck the proverbial dick of the free agent du jour, teams who are off the radar should draft fucking goons.  Shit, I have nearly no muscle tone, and I shoot maybe 35% from the line… That goes down to around 15% if people are watching.  But I am tall, fat, and clumsy.  Sign me to a 1 year/$1 million deal, and I will roll the ankles of every superstar I share the court with.  I only ask that you let Barstool cover my press conferences exclusively… “Yeah, man.  First off, I wanna thank God, because she gave me the strength to focus all my weight into my elbow as I aimed it at Curry’s spleen on our way to the hardwood when I fell on him at mid-court.  I was unable to rupture Steph’s spleen, because he’s an incredible competitor, who I respect immensely, and who moved at the last second.  But I did break that cocksucker’s rib, and collapsed his left lung, so I think I was still effective.”

I don’t think I would be as effective with a specimen like Lebron, but I read that it only takes 7 pounds of force to rip a man’s ear off.  I’ll foil up, and I think even I could muster up 7 pounds of focused force as he goes up for a rebound.

Let him punch me in the face afterwards… I am being paid a million dollars.  And after I get ejected, you can bring in another goon that you signed for even less… I think Kevin Duckworth is available.

Scratch that.  Duck died in 2008… RIP.

But I think that crazy soccer bitch is still around.

Man, I love that vicious cunt.

And if an NBA team doesn’t want the stigma of signing a thug like me to their roster, then just DM me and we can work out a series of cash transactions where I will walk up to unrestricted free agents in the street, and shoot them in the face.

Problem solved, and you’re welcome James Dolan.

Take a report.

-Large

* The West Garden is a place in midtown where men of all shapes and sizes have gone for decades to get jerked off before a MSG event, or maybe just on a random Tuesday.  For some reason it has never been closed down by the cops, even though I am moderately sure prostitution is not legal in New York City.