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Shaq Tells the Most Shaq/Gronk Story Ever

Shaq on what it’s like to have Gronk jump on your back:
“He’s the craziest white guy I’ve ever seen in my life. And he’s the heaviest white guy I’ve ever met in my life. That dude is all muscle … I’m big a strong guy so when he jumped it felt like a fire hose.”

I’m not exactly sure I understand the simile Shaq was going for here. Having Rob Gronkowski jump on your back feels like a fire hose, how exactly? Because he’s wet? He jumps around a lot? He’s got a huge package the size of a fire hose?

But that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is to me this is a sign things are returning to normal with Gronkowski. When the Stool Twitter posted this video, we were still in the dark days of his post-2017 season depression. Where every move he made was called into question as a further sign he was disgruntled and ready to quit football to go tag team with Mojo Rawley or win Best Actor Oscar. Watching him ride Shaq like a … like a fire hose … was a grim, joyless exercise. It felt like he was rebelling against the coach who had forced him into a life of funless servitude. But knowing what I know now, seeing him tearing it up at mandatory practices earlier this month, I can appreciate hearing Shaq’s version of the event. To use the totally played out cliche, of Gronk being Gronk.

If Rob Gronkowski was an action figure that came in a variety of incarnations like GI Joe or Barbie, this is exactly how I’d want Offseason Gronk to be. Drinking nothing at water at parties that go from 2 AM to 8 AM. Going Shirtless O’Clock. And grabassing with hilarious, beloved, non-threatening superstars. Preferably ones who played rapping genies on the silver screen. Now this feels more like 2011 Gronk. Before he got lost in an endless cycle of injuries and surgeries and more surgeries. Or 2014-15, before he discovered the wonders of pliability and football stopped being fun for him.

I just hope I’m right. I’m becoming more and more convinced that any day now we are going to be hearing that he’s signed an extension to become a Patriot for life. And then his future can involve a lot less doubt, bitterness and angst, and a lot more of jumping on the backs of men larger than himself. Like a fire hose.