I HATE NY

Still sticking with this weekly feature called “I HATE New York”, because there has been no shortage of recommendations.  One of the things people seem to hate most about this fucking place is Central Park, especially now that Summer has arrived, and I agree whole-heartedly.

It’s called an “oasis inside a city”, but I call it a “fucking waste of time”.

They say there is at least 1 rat for ever person in New York City, so roughly between 8-10 million of them.  And you know where the bulk of those rats live? Either in the subway tunnels or in Central Park.

I have a couple of buddies who work for the NY Parks Department (New York’s Greenest) who have uncovered dens of rodents in the park.  Pockets of filth, just teeming with thousands of rats that are shitting, and pissing, and fucking, and cumming all over that patch of grass you are just itching to lay your blanket on as soon as that first sunny Summer day arrives.

I used to drive through the park at least twice a week when I worked in midtown.  The cut-through dropped me off in Harlem close to the George Washington without having to battle the West Side Highway.  Every time I drove through in the Spring I would see the same gay fellow doing gymnastics on the lawn… Happy as a clam, but perverse from ever touching one.  He was heavy set, but still wore what looked like a gymnastic onesie, and I fondly referred to him as Gary Lou Retton.

But I don’t get to see Gary anymore, because that worthless piece of foreskin, DiBlasio, has shut down the park to cars north of 72nd street in favor of horse drawn carriages.  Was the only use I had for the park, and it has been taken away from me.

One last thing about this “oasis in the city”.  Near the North end there is a public pool that I used to drive by with my windows closed and my doors locked.  It was consistently packed to the fucking hilt with young urbanites.  So much so, that you were unable to even see the water.  It was the only time I witnessed a fire hazard that was literally filled with water.

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And there were hundreds of other hot kids* with dishtowels waiting on line to get in, so as soon as one kid left they would immediately fill his/her square foot of warm overly-chlorinated water with another.  They could’ve used one of those crane arms you see in the arcade to pick out and replace inner city youths.

By the way, how fucking great is that human crane Lays did as a promotional stunt in Japan earlier this year?  Strap your kid in, give him or her a drop, and you keep all the chip bags the little bastard can hold on to.  I am sure there’s a weight limit, but otherwise sign me the fuck up.

But back to Central Park… Fuck Central Park.  And if you disagree, enjoy the rat semen.

I HATE NY.

Take a report.

-Large

*I called them hot kids not because they were attractive.  The temps were in the 90’s.  Most of them weren’t sexy at all.