Soccer (football) is the only sport that has more names than it has points. The World Cup is well underway, and the most exciting (if you can call it that) game so far finished in a 3-3 tie. In this sport’s most important tournament, you are allowed to tie. Let that sink in. I am so sick of people pretending like soccer matters. Stop calling it joga bonito, because there is nothing beautiful about grown men kicking a ball around for 90 minutes hoping to score once.
I understand soccer might be exciting in third-world countries where all of their citizens are anxiously awaiting their shipment Cleveland Cavaliers NBA Champions shirts, but it’s time for Americans to get over themselves. You are not “cultured” if you get up at 4:30 in the morning on the weekend to watch the powerhouses FC Basel and Benfica Lisabon clash halfway around the world. I don’t think there’s any doubt that a LeBron James dunk or a Steph Curry stepback or a Devin Hester return is more exciting than literally every soccer goal that has ever happened. However, I would argue that many calls of these historic moments are more exciting than a soccer goal. Mike Breen’s “bang” does more to me than any Ronaldo goal. Gus Johnson saying “You got barbecue back there? And you didn’t invite me?” After Denzel Ward absolutely laid the wood on Maryland’s Taivon Jacobs creates more of a visceral reaction than a bicycle kick ever could.
Now let’s talk about the fake injuries. To be more specific, rolling around like you just shattered your leg and then miraculously being able to stand after the perpetrator is handed a red card.
This being said, the best part about soccer is the injury crew that runs out with the stretcher and straps the injured player in. Whenever that happens, every person in the crowd is silently praying that the stretcher gets dropped and the injured player flops around on the field. Please let me know if this isn’t the greatest thing you’ve ever seen on a soccer field.
I am so happy that America didn’t make the World Cup simply because all of the soccer hardos are upset about it. Soccer in America is as relevant as vitamin C is on pirate ships. Let the countries that don’t have clean water jog around on a field with a vague amount of time left and pray that they score before every player on their team doesn’t fake an injury and get carried off the field. Please don’t act like you care about soccer just to impress a girl that plays club soccer at your division-II school. If you want to go run twelve miles, you can do it without wearing synchronized uniforms and occasionally kicking a ball.