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When was the last time you got Oprah'ed?

Just asked an old buddy, “How’s biz?”, and he answered, “You eat an elephant one bite at a time, brother.”

I have no fucking idea what that means, but I might get it tattooed running down the inside of my bikini line… Thank you, Johnny.


I am going out tonight, and I am going to get drunk… Expect a wine-icorn sighting.

According to research, there are four types of drunks: the Hemmingway, whose personality doesn’t change a bit, the Mary Poppins, those who gets sweeter and happier, the Nutty Professor, who becomes more social, and the Mr. Hyde, who becomes more hostile and less responsible around booze.  Which seems like something I made up, but here’s the whole article…

I would like to add a couple more.

The Bill Cosby- who start looking for someone… Anyone… Conscious or not… To touch their genitals.

The Dr Phil- who want to listen to, and then solve the problems of everyone around them.

The Oprah- Similar to Dr Phil, but you dress up in women’s clothing and blackface for some reason, you sick fuck.

The Large- who sits in corner of your darkened closet, drinking bottom shelf vodka and lamenting his/her life decisions.

The J-Lo- who just wants to dance, you fucker.


I would like to say I will be full blown J-Lo tonight, but eventually I will go home and try to Cosby the wife, and ultimately revert back to the Large when she locks me in guest room.


Apologies in advance, honey… Take a report.