The Owl Theory From "The Staircase" Is The Most Ridiculous True Crime Theory You'll Ever Hear...Or Is It?

Owl Theory - The theory speculates that Kathleen Peterson had been drinking wine with Michael at the outdoor pool area of the house during the unseasonably mild evening. She left the pool area and retuned to the kitchen where she washed out her wine glass and left it to air dry. Before going to bed, she decided either to take out the trash, lock or retrieve something from her car, or turn out the floodlights lighting the house on the Kent Street side of the house. Michael remained out of earshot in the pool area on the Cedar Street side of the lot, approximately 100 yards away on the opposite side of the property. Kathleen walked outside near two white artificial Christmas reindeer lit by floodlights. Here an owl (or owls) was lurking, hunting for prey at night. Suddenly, the owl, perhaps attracted by the reflection of her glasses or something she was wearing, swooped down on Kathleen, crashing into her head at great velocity and digging its talons into the back of her head. Unsure what had happened, she struggled to fend off the owl, lifting her arms to her head. The bird swept in again, its talons extending into her skin, digging deeper and stopping only at the skull. The impact of the boney toes on the feet of the owl caused lacerations by splitting her scalp. At the tips of the lacerations on the back of her head and elbows, her wounds reveal where talons would have dug in and hit the skull bone, but not crack the skull.

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The force of the impact probably knocked her to the ground where she received marks on her nose and face. As she got up from the ground and started running, the owl assaulted her again, raking her head – either to force her away, or to grab the glasses on her face or head, which were reflecting the light from the floodlights. This second attack caused an avulsion (the peeled back skin on the left rear side of her head) large enough for blood to pour from the wound. The owl, whose talons were entwined in her hair, yanked its feet loose from her head, pulling hair loose from her scalp. It was all very swift, perhaps two seconds, causing no more than seven or eight lacerations as the owl hit her again and again on her head and elbows as she lifted her arms to ward off her attacker. She ran to the front door as the owl gave up its grip. She slammed the front door, leaving a bloody hand print, and drops of blood on the sidewalk and the landing at the front door. There is a blood « swipe » on the door casing near the lock.

Kathleen ran into the house and down the corridor towards the kitchen (another drop of blood was found inside the front door). She was confused, not sure what happened to her, and was holding her hands to her head where her hair was yanked out after the attack by the owl’s razor-like talons. In pain and confused, she fainted. She lay there bleeding, with blood now profusely flowing from her wounds. After an interval, perhaps an hour, she attempted to stand up and slipped in her own blood and hit her head against the molding of the bottom stair. The autopsy report shows this yoke-shaped laceration on the back of her lower neck.

Kathleen Peterson’s wounds show a symmetrical parallel pattern of marks that look suspiciously like the marks left by a raptor when it strikes people with speed and flexible talons that can split the scalp and then extend into the flesh. Because they are of similar size, the wounds appear to be delivered all at one time.

The Staircase is the “newest” true crime drama to sweep the entertainment world. I say “newest” because its only new to Netflix. They made it available to stream this past weekend and tacked on 3 new episodes in order make it feel fresh, but the documentary is almost 15 years old now. 8 episodes originally came out, then they updated it with 2 more, and now Netflix added three, all amounting to an awesome-but-too-long-(for most people) true crime series that is more bizarre than all of your other favorite murder stories combined. I watched it a couple years ago – *hipsterbrag* – but I only just learned about the Owl Theory this weekend. Out of all the intriguing twists and turns the Michael Peterson Case took – from bisexual hookers to identical murders in Germany to the WEIRD ASS daughters with terrible haircuts laughing it up non stop for a decade straight – the Owl Theory blows them all out of the water.

The Owl Theory posits that Kathleen Peterson was actually attacked by an owl, which was not uncommon in their area, and then bleeding and disoriented fainted. After coming to, she slipped in her own blood, stumbled, and fell down the stairs to her death. Where were you on that one, David Rudolf?? You fucking idiot! It was the goddam owls you moron! It wasn’t an intruder. It wasnt Michael Peterson with a blow poke! It was an owl. Thats who dun it. Owls.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Thats ridiculous, KFC. You’re really gonna claim an owl attacked and killed this woman? Well, yes. Yes I am. Some things to consider:

– The wounds on Kathleen’s head are a conundrum. They were gruesome and violent, yet did not break her skull in a manner consistent with someone bludgeoning her. How can someone have their scalp absolutely mutilated without enough force to break bones?

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OWLS, motherfucker! Owls! They got raptor like talons. A couple swipes on your head and its SHEETS for you.

– Why would Kathleen Peterson have clumps of her own hair ripped out and in her own hands? Why would she have microscopic feathers in HER hair?

OWLS, yo! You got an owl all tangled up in your hair and you’re yanking and tearing. He’s got his fur in your head, you got your hair in your hands. Perfect sense.

– Why would their be pine needles found on the scene?

Say it with me, folks. Owls.

I’ll tell you something else – I’ve been out on owls for years now. They are shifty motherfuckers. They are like raccoons with wings. Creatures of the night. Always hoo’ing and shit. I dont trust em as far as I can throw em. Ever since I dissected those pellets. What the fuck was that about? Why was it like mandatory all across the country that every single 7th grader alive had to tear apart the stuff owls shit out of their mouth?? That was some weird curriculum.

Ever since then, I’ve had a big Anti-Owl agenda. So if you’re selling that owls are capable of murder then I am BUYING. Its no less stunning than Michael Peterson sucking dick everywhere and having pictures of it all stored on his Gateway 2000. No less stunning than the goddam murder weapon being in Michael’s basement in plain sight the whole fucking time. No less stunning than the blood analysis experts completely mailing it in and being as corrupt as possible. An Owl killing Kathleen Peterson is like the 5th most absurd thing in this case.

Now all we gotta do is find out if there was an Owl attack in Germany because that murdery son of a bitch Michael Peterson definitely killed that chick on the stairs.