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Please Do Not Tell Laura Wagner I Have A Crush On Her And Want To Date Her Because Twitter Suspended Me For That: Apparently Romance Is Dead

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I got suspended for 12 hours from twitter this weekend. Why? For courting Laura Wagner. Apparently asking chicks on dates is illegal nowadays. More importantly I’m begging Stoolies NOT to tell Laura Wagner what a great catch I am because Twitter will suspend me for that as well. In fact that’s why I’m writing this blog.  Again I’m begging people NOT to tell Laura Wagner how rich I am.  Please don’t tell her how funny I am.  And under no circumstances tell her how many ½ houses I own in Nantucket. I’m just going to have to try and win her heart the old fashioned way. With love letters and mixtapes. No social media. Call me old fashioned or a romantic, but I still believe true love will win out. Because as George Costanza once said a woman who dislikes me this much only comes along once in a lifetime.